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Dating Tip: Home Depot is having a sale this week on detachable shower heads.
Have you ever talked to someone and had it both make your day and break your heart at the same time?
Cannibalism probably got started after somebody started chewing his fingernails and just got carried away
I'm betting the best fuck you'll ever have is with someone you met on Twitter.
I wish I could put my foot through your racist ass. That'll show you how shiftless we "niggers" are.
"Dad! He touched me!"
"Ok.There are knives in the drawer by the stove. I'm going out to the garage for a few minutes. Do what you gotta do."
Today's tweets brought to you courtesy of drug hangover and my ovaries, apparently. :(
My 4 year old daughter has slept through a tornado but you let a turd hit the water at 5:30am and she's wide awake.
Giving money to charity is like masturbating. It makes you feel good and people don't know you did it unless you tell them.
"Stop, drop, and roll" works for bowlers, too, so stop being selfish, people being burned alive.
Maybe you're right, Spice Girls. Maybe the reason I'm not lovers with my wife right now is because I haven't gotten with all her friends.
I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I think shorts should be longer than your vagina.
They say it's bad to yell at kids. That's why I find bending over and whispering "I'll kill you" much more effective..
I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
Memorial Day was capped off by Grandma’s senile ass ending our supper prayer with, “And as the Lord sayeth, G’z up. Hoes down. Amen.”
If Mick Jagger doesn't call his penis "The Jäggermeister", that's a wasted opportunity.
Packing for a trip, Husband says I don't need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I'm coming back.
Almost 100% positive I'm borderline retarded.
