I farted into the Shazam thingie on my phone, and it listed a bunch of Creed songs

Not a lot of hits on my eHarmony profile last week. Rethinking the 18 pictures of me slow-dancing with my cats.

Dude on the phone said, "Twitter's so stupid," so I hung up on him. Don't you talk about my family like that.

I'm reading a book about willpower. My bookmark is a coupon for a free cheeseburger.

Opened Facebook. Saw: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS. Closed Facebook.

I like to look at cat pictures on the internet and beep all the noses. It's really quite time-consuming and therefore qualifies as a hobby.

Facebook is to church, as Twitter is to a crowded basement party thrown by your half-naked, gay uncle who collects feather thongs.

Fellas, I got a pancake ass, legs that go for inches, and the faint smell of kitties & Spaghettios on my sweater. Come & get it. Rawr.

I would rather publicly perform interpretive dance to Michael Bolton's greatest hits in a giraffe print leotard than go to work tomorrow.

I can tell my cat to "shut his meowing face hole" all I want, but when he pukes on my shoe, that's when I learn who the real boss is.

At the store, I witnessed a man angrily throw his toilet paper into his cart. I connected with that man and his toilet paper rage.

I'm a happy drunk, but an angry vegetarian.

This year I made 26 cents in interest on my savings account. With that kind of cheese rolling in, I should be able to retire in about never.

"I've secretly replaced my white boyfriend with a big black man. Let's see if Dad notices." -A commercial in my head

Ballet twirling drunk and crashing into the litterbox is a metaphor for my entire life

Banged my little toe on an end table & this is what came out of my mouth: JESUS MOTHER SHITBALL HUBBARD. Lest you forget I'm a poet.

Just drank a Four Loko on a dare and now my scalp is talking to me.

Bought 3 candles. Cashier smelled each one slowly before bagging. We nodded in silent agreement that all 3 smelled good. I was in.

If I had a child, I would look lovingly at it & say, "You have inherited a colon that will make you late for everything. Congratulations."

Once in 1999, I played Dungeons & Dragons with a married couple. I'm so glad my hard partying days are over.