When I told fast food chick hubby would kill me if there was mayo on his chicken sandwich, I had no idea she would take it literally.

Grilled cheese scented candles are my favorite.

In a perfect world, I'd be able to get school supplies at the local pub instead of Wal-Mart.

Kraken require a ton of sugar a day. I wish I would have been informed of this before giving birth to one.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. The one I regret the most is letting anyone know I cook well.

When life hands me lemons, I'm all like HELL YEAH, because I'm ecstatic it's not shit. Again.

Plus, I make a mean vodka lemonade.

My car hates me so much that it keyed the word "FUCKLULZ" on my forehead last night. I still don't know what that means... Asshole.

Fortunately, you'll never have to worry about me fixing a typo & reposting my crappy tweets because I'm lazy.

I kissed a frog & I liked it.

Some days it's exhausting being sporadically OCD, manic, ADD, schizoid, & psycho killer simultaneously.

Sometimes it's fun.

I will never understand a bowl of fake fruit on the table. Never.

Threatening 8 with "I'll take your bear back" made me giggle.

I like being sexually harassed. That's why I feel so at home on Twitter. Wonder if I should mention that during the interview?

I can easily admit I am a nerdy, artsy, computer freak, horror movie connoisseur, & 80's metal groupie.

Will you still hang out with me?

A couple hits of hash, and I've lost something that I don't know what I'm looking for.

To semicolon, colon, or comma is killing a little piece of me slowly one tweet at a time.

Should I feel it ironic that 'Spirit In The Sky' played next cuz that's not where I'm going.

Twitter used to like my aspect ratio. This letterbox stuff is getting old. The darkness that swallows my soul is eating my avatar.

Anyone experienced at making poppy tea?

Asking for my imaginary friends.

When your life is full of shit, typos are the least of your problems.