If weed is ever
legalized, Just imagine the
commercials.

When
someone unfollows me, I
continue to follow them. I think
Jesus called that "turning the
other Tweet."

Seems like a
lot of people forget their other 4
fingers when they wave to me.

I'm using my health insurance money to purchase the favstar bonus features, after all laughter is the best medicine.

Tired and drunk is a
bad combination when it comes
to satisfying a couger

My mood changes every 3.14 seconds. Does that make me
pi-polar?

May or may not
have just accidentally talked to a
midget like she was a child..

Twitter has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

Who wants to get
laid!?!? Good for you, get in
line. Behind me.

I'm willing to bet
money that Barack Obama and
Donald Trump are not friends on Facebook.

I like my
women like my newspaper, a
different one
every day and delivered to
my door.

Did you know that an
anagram of Happily Married is 'lyiaphp dierarm'.........and that
doesn't make any fucking sense either.

Doctors have carried out a survey to see if play on word jokes made coma patients laugh. No pun in ten did.

I've
been neglecting my walkie
talkies since I got a mobile
phone.

I was having
the time of my life Until I
heard the reggae version of
I'm having the time of my
life.

The day is almost over
and I still feel I could have
confused more people.

Someone sent me a picture of her boobs. I sent a message back saying "I've seen
better." She's blocked me now.

Tonight I'm playing a
new version of rock, paper,
scissors. For rock, I'm using
Vodka. For scissors I'm using Tequila. Paper is...aspirin

Women win arguments cuz they're conditioned for the long haul. A guy's argument lasts 10 mins. 3 weeks later, she's still pointing stuff out

Twitter has declared me "similar" to YOU. I'm now Scared.