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"Cool shirt, bro!" - Something you'll never hear in a conversation between Anthony Kiedis and Matthew McConaughey
My favorite part of Whole Lotta Love is when Robert Plant rubs one out right in the middle of the song.
Parades, green clothing, guys in kilts? I don't know. Sounds kinda Gaelic, bro.
It's simple: If you want someone to do a great job, say, "You'll do a great job." If you want them to fuck it up, say "Don't fuck this up."
The darker the tinted windows, the bigger the asshole behind the wheel.
In our family, International Women's Day meant Grandpa getting out the boxed wine and telling us all about the Asian pussy he got in WWII.
Let's DM each other! Eventually I'll say something off-putting & the conversation will awkwardly peter out.
I am currently between wives. It's ok,
neither of them are mine.
I think my keys are the hide and seek champion of my house.
Instead of twittercide, people should go get a haircut or buy some smart slacks. Maybe a new scarf. Then come back. Tell us all about it.
If you pick your nose in my car and discreetly roll it onto the carpet, I will try to get t-boned by a semi on your side of the car.
I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted me to dance erratically, not erotically. I'll get dressed and leave now.
I’m the guy at work who says “Consider it done!” and then does nothing.
Me: "Where's the meeting at?"
Coworker: "Don't end a sentence with a preposition."
Me: "Where's the meeting at, BITCH?"
The new guy at work sucks. He probably just needs to be trained (shoved in front of a moving train).
Ever since I was a little boy I've wanted to be a sexy black man in a Madonna music video.
Given the opportunity, I would gladly pretend to not fake an orgasm.
It's okay, unfollow my "pro-gay jokes" - I don't care! When I have sex with my wife I think of Charlize Theron instead of George Clooney.
It would be cool if every time a guy jerked off to you your nipples got hard.
Lady next to me tells me she's a cougar. I guess she can call herself that considering she's scary, 250 pounds, and looks like she eats elk.
If someone is getting a beer for free, look in their eyes and you'll see me.