Hate when theres no toilet paper in public restrooms and I have to use my socks instead. I know I know, wearing shoes without socks is gross

This is a PUBLIC restroom, what do you mean I cant take pictures in here?

Had a doctors appointment this morning. LOL JK I have no health insurance thx america

If it sounds like a duck and it looks like a duck, then its probably a teenage girl taking a Facebook picture.

Just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by losing my job, having my car repossessed, and being forced to use public transportation.

Just accidentally walked into a womens restroom but I apologized to all the women inside, one by one, so everythings ok.

That awkward moment when you walk into a martial arts studio and everybody is kung fu fighting but no one is as fast as lightning.

Just ate Chipotle and now I feel like theres a small mexican family living in my stomach.

I have officially mastered peeing with no hands at the urinal. Next step will be working on keeping my legs dry.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could take a shit on people without getting arrested.

Im still as attracted to high school girls as I was when I was in high school. Thats normal right

Tried searching google images for "african cockroach" but forgot to type in the word roach. Feeling real self-conscious right now.

Oh im sorry, I thought you were making your cleavage visible so it would be easier to stare at.

There are plenty of fish in the sea...TOO BAD I DONT FUCK FISH.

I'm not immature, I'm just really really horny.

I'm the guy at the gym who moans loudly, while using the bathroom.

Fun Fact: Fat people can't tell the difference between green colored paper and salad.

I set 2 alarms for the morning so just in case I sleep through the first one I can sleep through the second one as well.

Of course I hold doors open for girls, who else is gonna lock my basement door behind them?

I may not have a lot of money or be the best looking guy or have any friends or wow nevermind im a loser carry on