I really don't care how many followers I have as long as you continue to be one of them.

My fridge's ice maker has the same two settings as my dreams: Broken and Crushed.

I forget, when there's no milk around is it Chardonnay or Pino Grigio that you put on Raisin Bran?

Sex tip for girls: don't underestimate the pleasure that a simple hand grip of the dick can bring. Especially under the tablecloth.

I admire women. There's no fucking way I could bleed from my nuts once a month and taste delicious the other 3 weeks.

The only thing more satisfying than making you smile would be to make you moan.

Me: Lookin for the Love Gloves.
Clerk: ?
M: Sexy Shrinkwrap.
C: ?
M: Condoms!
C: Aisle 6
M: Thanks
C: You actually have a girlfriend?

Note: when going to a brothel in Vegas, pay the concierge first and don't put the card before the whores.

Fucking Jewish women is the most intense, energetic, exotic, raw, orgasmic sex you can have with an inanimate object.

If only as many people did yoga as actually wore yoga pants...

SORRY.

Going to sign off now before I break my streak and say something intelligent.

There's no such thing as a "better life" until you appreciate and enjoy that you have a life at all. Then, "better" is closer.

I don't know about other people, but you're pretty much the only reason I keep coming back to the twitter.

I get aroused by your avi but I get off on your mind.

Don't be a hero. If they give you the keys to the city, the remote control is too big to fit in the back seat.

I'm assuming it's illegal to take my neighbor's electric leaf blower and shove it up his ass. So tonight I will burn his porch.

Me last night: "The only thing shorter than your temper is your dick." Now I have to sneak 3G while the nurse isn't looking.

I'm caring and sympathetic so I'll jump in: Happy Valentine's Day, Kim Kardashian. Sorry about the "you're really quite unlovable" thing.

I'm back in Toronto after a week out west with Maman. Suitcase full of baking, knitting and guilt.

It's OK to leave porn running on your iPad if couch surfing at your mom's place, right? But hide the socks? —asking for a friend.