My iPod corrected 'Husband' to 'Has Been'. Love your work, autocorrect.

Why not join me in hating everyone? It's fun and you get a free colouring book. (colouring book not included)

Am I good in bed? Bitch, please. I'm chubby with low self esteem, I do shit you haven't even thought about.

If I woke my spouse up for sex he would probably hit me. Sleep is very important to him. Like sleeping with the gardener is important to me.

The head of the penis is called the corona. Enjoy that next time you're having a beer.

I'm sick of musicians telling me what to do. No YOU put your hands up!

I'm going to be needing a packet of wet wipes, some disinfectant & a high five, for what just when down in my bedroom.

Just want to shout out to my followers without whom I would just be a crazy lady talking to herself, instead of a crazy lady talking to you.

Menthol cigarettes: For when there isn't enough time to brush and smoke.

I finally understand why American women wanna marry a doctor. Free health care.

Shut up. I don't even have 400 followers. I'll retweet what I god damn please.

You know people? I hate those guys.

'What else we got?' No concept of the English language might be one thing.

Dear period, so... You're pretty late, brah. That shits not cool. Send me a text, I'm getting pretty stressed up in this bitch. Love me.

My husband doesn't want me poking him in the side whilst he's smoking a bong.

He should have thought of that before he married me.

Send help. And gin.

Me(incredulously): You had sex with me.
Husband: *shrugs* you were naked.
Me: dude, if it were that easy, I wouldn't have a Twitter account.

If you haven't got anything nice to tweet, tweet it from your other account.

Dear Spouse, I'm used to being home alone and sans your incessant chatter. So do me a favour? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

I wish pork was a colour.