We're sorry. Your password must include 2 uppercase letters, 1 number, 3 characters from the Mayan calendar, & 1 Russian Pig Latin symbol.

My phone just auto corrected "Ok" to "Oink" in response to my wife. Nice knowing you.

Guys, tread lightly when you get home & your wife greets you upset. She's had a two hour head start on your fight in her head.

I grew up Baptist & we didn't endorse premarital sex because it could lead to dancing.

My shower doesn't work right. Every morning I set it on "Hot", But I still come out looking "Average."

"If people were just less self-centered, they'd see how brilliant MY tweets are!!!!" ~Everyone On Twitter.

I'm pretty sure Obama hired all these guys to run against him.

I just drafted a "Safe Haven" law for anyone who needs to drop off cookies at my house within 1 hour of being baked. No questions asked.

Read my dog's diary today. Comforted, knowing that she'd wait at least half an hour after my death to eat me.

It should be legal to smack a stranger's screaming toddler at the store when they drown out your favorite Air Supply song on the overhead.

Dear girls working at Cold Stone: My wife didn't appreciate you bending over in front of us & giving my son & I two bonus scoops.

I never have a higher level of anxiety than when a drive through employee gets angry at me because I don't understand their broken English.

Thanks to Carrie Underwood, my daughter thinks if you hit an ice patch you throw your hands up in the air instead of turning into the skid.

My wife is a Jew & I'm a Christian. So we're compromising & raising our kids radical, militant atheist.

Can teen centers please issue t-shirts at the door for adult males that say "Here to pick up my kids. Not a pedophile?"

Good News: Minimum wage is going up. Bad News: Mom and pop have to fire Peter to afford Paul's raise.

Dollar store hair gel is supposed to smell like Elmer's Glue, right?

Based on the Romney's & the Osmond's amazing teeth, I'm starting to believe that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend choosing to join a cult.

If white folks are FORCED to use race as a descriptor we always add the word "Gentleman." The man who raped my wife was an Asian Gentleman."

We couldn't find our son anywhere. So we shut & locked our bedroom door & pushed on the bed to make it squeak. He knocked 10 seconds later.