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Reading Rolling Stone...Trent Reznor is 45; I saw NIN in concert 20 years ago; I'm married with 2 kids. When the fuck did that happen!?
Inside ur smart, secure wife or girlfriend lives a little girl who deeply needs to know that u find her beautiful. #truth #myway
You know she's finally warming up to anal when she refers to her vagina as "my front butt".
U ever buy 100 vibrators to give away and then realize it's not a "toys for twats" fundraiser but some kids charity? Me neither.
8 out of 10 women I follow on twitter: "My vagina blahblahblah..." 10 out of 10 guys: don't care; it's all pink in the middle.
That awkward moment when playdate's mom calls and says "You did not send ur son with a movie about a magical car" #chittychittygangbang
It's taken me 14yrs together with her but I've learned. My wife and I are on the same team. If I win and she loses, I don't really win.
Women, I'm married so when u DM that ur lips are sealed, does this mean your OTHER set of lips are open? Or you're no longer interested?
Wife: "We're parked on D3. How will we remember that?" Me: 3 dicks make u airtight? Wife:*Sighing*U've OD'd on porn or too much twitter.
That last tweet wasn't the real Luke! My wife has hacked my twitter account! I get the hint dearest...u need more luscious labia loving.
Since a douchebag is a genuinely useful piece of hygenic equipment, that means she likes me, right?
What I learned this weekend..."fuck me silly" does not mean wear a clown mask. Who knew?
Truthful Tuesday: IRL, when I'm pulled down by the bad moods of others, I can hop on twitter and make my happy happen. I love all of you.
Why are so many ppl judgmental about cougars? Less mind games & more sex! My paradise. I don't care about wrinkles and droppy boobs.
Being rejected is never fun, no matter how hard I harden my heart and say I don't care. #truthfultuesday
This year, Ireland will have its first EVER bondage festival. Up to now, no demand since divorce in Ireland was only made legal in 1995.
"Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant". #TeenAbstinenceAwareness "Anal Doesn't Count" #abstinence #StuartDavis
That awkward silence in the car after u yell "stop being a backseat driver" at your gay friend...yeah that.
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing Yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering Yourself is True power."~ Lao-Tze
When I die, it's going to be with a machete in one hand, a M-16 in the other and taking down as many ZOMBIES as I can.