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Kids, I can't tell you how much I enjoy sweating for an hr in the kitchen each day, just to see your little "what the fuck is this" faces
Jennifer Aniston once lived on a cucumber diet. I have a lot of that 2 & don't look like her. I must be inserting it wrong
My 7yr old daughter is madly in love with Justin Bieber. So she HAS to see the film. Who can I pay to take her? ..Away for good I mean?
Bikini waxers spend their working life just pulling the rug from under us
I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch
People that take the trouble to dm me and say my tweets offend u, remember to take them with a pinch of salt. On any gaping wound
Just emptied the cat litter tray and realised I'll never crave choc chip muesli again
You meet thousands of people, and none of them really touch you. Then you meet a pervert on the bus
Just seen a woman go in the baby changing room at The Green Welly and she came out with the SAME ONE!
when it comes to catching crumbs, you can't beat having an inbuilt booby trap
My 9yo just asked if we can sponsor a panda. I asked how far it's running & she laughed! It's a fair question...
What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? Just... whenever really...
We go for a traditional valentines; he slaps me in the face with sacrificial goat hide. Except we're out of goats, so it's penis as usual
The bloke that thought 'I know! We'll bring Fatboy Slim out in a gigantic inflatable octopus.' That's the guy that should be running the UK
texting a shopping list to him on his way home was an eye opener. Me: I could really use some deodorant. Him: yes you could
Guys - stop sending me penis pics. I have an ex-husband... I know what a dick looks like!
You can't beat going out with your 19yr old daughter. Its like taking along your before picture
"Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" Joan of Arc, 1431
Mum of five (Not the band). Comedy writer & author of the hilarious commercial fiction novel, 'Mrs David Dando.' Read more here: http://bit.ly/PEYuuH