Tebow sounds like a really shitty elliptical machine from the 80's.

I save my child-friendly tweets for never. Fuck you.

I tweet about farts, vaginas, penis, Bacon AND I have boobs; where the fuck is MY fake internet trophy, you dicks?!?

You ain't SHIT! - me to my urine

I hate that slow-motion grimace after a particularly horrendous burp; opening my mouth to the taste of the Chinese food I haven't eaten.

PLEASE tell me we aren't going to start a trend of 'hologram' tweets? I'm still recovering from all of your instagram bullshit. Dick Clark.

[ insert pleasantly insightful, witty and clever societal observation that took me more than fifteen minutes to write to sound effortless ]

Twitter is what happens when you've got shit to say but no one cares enough about you to listen so you say it to your phone and then nothing

Welp, didn't lose any followers today... still might be some time left tho...it's only 7. Thanks for sticking around through crap tweets. <3

Just wanted to take a moment to let y'all know that every one of you is fantastic andI appreciate you.Thank you all for your misguided love.

Crack is like crack to m-...you know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna go change my layout on MySpace...

I wanna suck face with Brian Williams while he slow-jams my tweets & caresses the obscure, fatty part of my arm...too weird? Naah, you cool.

You want "winning"? Winning is me. Right now. Sitting on my couch in boxers, eating an ice cream sandwich, sticky hands, tweeting. WINNING.

Lookit what I drew, mommy!! http://t.co/HhVs85cv

[ insert "i'm trying too hard" tweet here]

Sat on the toilet, scrolling through my TL for so long that I stood up and forgotten that I'd pooped.

Does it count if I got to second base with a lactating cat?

The cat stole my mom's pants and galloped away with them down the hallway. You can't make this shit up.

Who Are You And Where Are My Pants Wednesday.

PRO TIP: Dunk your blueberry waffle into your coffee; MAGIC. <-- not an innuendo.