BREAKING: Woman arrested for reading Daily Mail aloud on a tram

I hope never get nominated as the guy to explain fountains to the third world. "Oh that? That's our water for looking at..."

Apparently you can conserve the battery on the iPhone by putting it the fuck down for five minutes

Nigel Slater used the phrase "leftover juniper berries" so I've had enough of his bullshit

I don't want to get all sentimental but is anyone else nostalgic for the halcyon days of the Ugandan anthem?

I too like big butts, but I lie all the time. Told my boss I was sick and spent the day on roller coasters. Butts though, I do like em big

The barman looked up at the door. Nobody there. He smiled to himself and thought about the day the horse came in. It seemed a lifetime ago

Kaiser Chiefs: "I was thinking we might play one of ours"
Organiser: "that's one way we could go, yeah"

Millions of music fans around the world have been left devastated by the news that Coldplay have no plans to split up

I'm calling in frightened to work pic.twitter.com/Ek25CKTT6A

I love spending time with the elderly. Until, you know, the inevitable moment that they express some racist opinion or refer to "the queers"

My dad keeps falling asleep watching Inception. Or does he?

Don't say "amazeballs" it's annoyballs

I wonder if the Beatles realise that if they'd have stopped running from those girls they could have had sex with them

One does not walk into a girl's room, hear the velvet underground playing and simply walk back out

If you love horses but hate magnificence, you'll love donkeys

Clogs are why there are no Dutch ninjas

Does that guys dad still say shit?

Think I'm going to do the #twitterblackout for 24 hours. Not sure how I'll cope. Might have to just yell my thoughts out of a window

Please sponsor me. I've decided to grow a tumour on my prostate to help stop the spread of moustaches