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Crusing Facebook nowadays is like being at a babyshower you didnt want to attend, and Twitter is the bar I go to after.
How many years has it been since America was born? Because that's how many chicken wings I'm eating today.
I still love her & Ill stuff these feelings down...but blonde Emma Stone makes me want to stab stab stab stab #irrational #PartialToRedheads
Little know fact: Morgan Freeman was never a baby.
Overheard:"Well the headliner ended up fist fighting on stage, then somebody puked. It. Was. Awesome. Plus the singer was my maid of honor."
Doesn't it seem like the only time old people whisper is to make a prophecy?
You can probably skip any movie where Johnny Depp wears white makeup.
It's spelled cheeeeeeeese when melted.
You can make a Chanel sign with two pint glasses. Think it over snooty ladies.
Somebody help me come up with a Tim Allen costume.
Ugh that Pearl Jam car crash song is on and Im drinking a beer at buffalo wild wings. Prepare for the waterworks.
Some dude at work just told me I was,"a taller, friendlier Dana Scully."
Why yes, we DID elope immediately!
Just spent a few minutes thinking about how one goes about hanging a plate on a wall so yeah today is slow for me
I watched American Psycho and American Splendor back to back and now I'm having some weird fucking dreams.
You probably remember me from my role as the swarthy cousin on Gilmore Girls.