Crusing Facebook nowadays is like being at a babyshower you didnt want to attend, and Twitter is the bar I go to after.

#FF bc reasons @weedguy420boner @johnfreiler @tequilatears @mr_blatalian @chasemit @fart @burntmybagel @donni @katierichtervaq @allnewbmcd

How many years has it been since America was born? Because that's how many chicken wings I'm eating today.

I still love her & Ill stuff these feelings down...but blonde Emma Stone makes me want to stab stab stab stab #irrational #PartialToRedheads

Little know fact: Morgan Freeman was never a baby.

Doesn't it seem like Ludacris would have a cereal? Call me @ludacris, we can talk it all out. #LudaCRISP

Overheard:"Well the headliner ended up fist fighting on stage, then somebody puked. It. Was. Awesome. Plus the singer was my maid of honor."

#FF People who love late night texts from 404-04! @whatjohnthinks @pjlynch @ddryan @boorad1016 @prodigalsam @candace07 @and_the_bird

Doesn't it seem like the only time old people whisper is to make a prophecy?

You can probably skip any movie where Johnny Depp wears white makeup.

It's spelled cheeeeeeeese when melted.

#Oomf blows. Hashtag: liar/fake/dirty/tweetwhore/notyourcake/pathetic.

You can make a Chanel sign with two pint glasses. Think it over snooty ladies.

Thinking of starting a local biz to taxi couples to Maryland for marriage. Elope with Eclaire: I'll ferry you then marry you! #GoodIdeaOrNo?

Somebody help me come up with a Tim Allen costume.

Ugh that Pearl Jam car crash song is on and Im drinking a beer at buffalo wild wings. Prepare for the waterworks.

Some dude at work just told me I was,"a taller, friendlier Dana Scully."

Why yes, we DID elope immediately!

Just spent a few minutes thinking about how one goes about hanging a plate on a wall so yeah today is slow for me

I watched American Psycho and American Splendor back to back and now I'm having some weird fucking dreams.

#FF w/ Special applause to @wingsole for creating an account <3 @whatjohnthinks @drafzilla @burntmybagel @token_geezer @pjlynch @sucittam