They were called Jumpolines until your Mom got on one.

I think when a transvestite goes missing their face should appear on a carton of half & half

"Grains...grains!!" ~ Vegan Zombie

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

Is it too much to ask that the next time a man removes my shirt that he says with awe in his voice: "Dear God, the legends are true."

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen in there. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Every time I leave my computer to pee I kick my laundry basket a foot closer to the laundry room. My version of working on the laundry.

I'm super happy you got a 50 star tweet but my TL is not your Mom's refrigerator.

I don't understand people who don't treat a pint of ice cream like a serving.

Exactly how mean is it to send your exboyfriend his condoms back because they are too small for the guy you're currently fucking?

I said "You're hot."
He said "I'm gay."
I said "Prove it."
He said "Ok, I'm not going to fuck you."
:(

What's the point of Jersey Shore? Is it like Survivor? Because I think someone should have to die or at least get sterilized.

Men insult each other socially but they don't really mean it; Women are nice to each other socially but they don't really mean it either.

I really can't blame men for they way they act: If I had a penis I would stick it EVERYWHERE.

Nurses are so silly with their "You can't use the bed pan as a hat" & "That Dr is married stop offering him blow jobs" nonsense.

It's not cheating if they have the same name; It's brand loyalty.

My vagina has a brazilian accent.

College kids call them "Hangovers"; adults just call them "Mornings."

My Vagina is magical: When I'm done masturbating I can pull a Rabbit out of it.

My phone just auto-corrected the words "my ex-boyfriend" to "Closet Homo" and I'm okay with that.