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I have 1 tweet in my drafts folder, I'm just waiting to have enough followers to unleash it.
Me: how was work?
Roommate: my favorite person on twitter followed me back today!!
If you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours.... Call me!
If I see something funny that's been retweeted I have a system... Retweet, Star, Follow. Everyone should do the same.
Every time I see a head and shoulders commercial, I think of Ally Sheedy in the breakfast club.
I haven't been on twitter in a week. Sometimes real life really takes up alot of time.
I keep my boss on speed dial so its easier to drunk dial him. This way I don't have to worry about calling out in the morning.
I hate talking to people with accents. I have to put all focus on them to understand what they are saying, & then end up just smiling anyway
Just had a 20 minute conversation with a VERY heavy Asian accent... Now I ranna kirr myserf...
I'm sorry, what was the question?
Holy crap! 800 followers??? And I didn't even have to send any dick pics!
Vodka! Bacon! Penis!
I win twitter!!!!
Woke up to 69 new twitter notifications. (I counted twice!) best morning sex I ever got! Thanks guys!
This whole job concept blows. I need to win the lotto or I'm going to start pimping out my cat.
Getting my niece a sippy cup with a little umbrella in it so that she and I could lounge in the kiddie pool together today.
I heard somewhere that guys really like pie. So ladies you should always keep a freshly baked apple pie in your purse just in case.
It's 9:30am... Time for a liquid breakfast in the bosses office!!!
If I hear that Rebecca Black song one more time, I'm going to...
Just listen to it and complain about it on twitter.
My new boss just caught me on twitter at work.
He follows me...
Apparently, He's my biggest fan!