I hate being bi-polar, it's fucking brilliant.

I've come to realise that I am not a member of the gym, I'm more of a silent partner who invests monthly.

My new mattress has 2000 springs. Just in case the neighbours didn't hear me having sex before, they will now.

I woke up in a panic this morning thinking I was late for work.

Then I laughed, and remembered I don't have a job, so I went back to sleep.

Put this in your mouth and tell me if this tastes like your best friend.

Just as the porn clip finished downloading, my battery indicator on my laptop flashed up - 5min remaining'


Game on.

Lick me ↷ here ↩ here ↴ here ↙here ↗ here ↯ here ↳ here ↫ here ↖ here ↶ here ↓ here → ↺ all over my body

In LA I'm an alcoholic, in Canada I'm a drinker, in England I'm just normal, in Ireland I'm a pussy.

I've known 15yr olds with Hookers that can last longer than my iPhone battery.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Some you like
Some are nuts
Some look good, but aren't

Wait, twitter, twitter is like a box of chocolates

Adam came before Eve, is probably the only part of the bible that I can believe to be true.

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat.

Sooner or later you get pissed off.

If twitter doesn't consume your life your not doing it right.

I'm gonna get laid today.

What with the cucumber epidemic, there has to be thousands of single girls so horny they'll say yes to anyone.

Licking icing sugar off a jelly baby is the closest I'll ever get, to doing midget porn.

I really shouldn't complain. Unemployment has given me opportunities I never had before.

Today I watched a porn film from start to finish.

My wife's smile is my addiction.

I just had sex. And it was way better than any sex you just had. So I win.


Obviously I win anyway cos let's face it. You havn't had sex.

Who the fuck invented ~ folding clothes to put them away?

Its obviously a woman, and they should be slaughtered for crimes against humanity

I slept my way to the top, and now I'm a shepherd.

#JCMF