You should never smoke anything that isn't green...unless it's purple.

Walking in to an actual store to buy something. Where do I click ADD TO SHOPPING CART so I don't have to carry shit around?

I'm following you because you're smart, sexy and hilarious.

My glass pipe is named Tebowl. #stoner

My husband noticed I watch more homicide shows on TV when I'm mad at him. Told him nothing to worry about...unless he sees me taking notes.

As we quietly monitor the Gaffigans we can see the mating ritual for the conception of "Gaffigan 5" begin... @jeanniegaffigan @jimgaffigan

If you throw some shredded basil on your frozen pizza and lightly drizzle with olive oil before baking it masks that distinct poverty flavor

Don't you hate when people are around and you have to hold a tweet in until you think everyone is out of ear shot but it slips out? #twart

One of these days, Ashton. Pow! Right in the Kutcher.

There's something about people that never cuss that I just don't trust.

Next on my schedule: take a break from not getting high :-)

If living well is the best revenge then my enemies must be pretty pissed off by now.

I only jogged for 30 minutes so my ass fat thinks it's safe. Maybe you are safe for today, ass fat...tomorrow..you're going down

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. -- Dr. Seuss

I'd go to a night club called Turkey. Turkey clubs are fucking delicious. #hungertweet #bacon

Wish I could hang out here and listen to o&a and smoke bowls and go back to bed and still make money. Maybe hookers have the right idea.

That commercial just reminded me its trash day...thanks ashleymadison.

Anyone who has to lie is a pussy. Enjoy your slide down that slippery slope! I'll stand at the top and watch your descent...once again.

I have to go clean the house now after a weekend of debauchery. Does anyone know how to get debauchery stains off the carpet?

Between Tina Fey and Julianne Moore I don’t remember what Sarah Palin even looks like any more. #gamechange