I precisely remember scenes from a movie but I always forget who I saw the movie with. Don't get mad. I wish you were more memorable too.

If you’re normal on here, you’re weird. Hide your crazy on your own time.

There it is! I knew it. http://t.co/LGNJOhRk

I told the gf she was in my top 20, but she wasn’t anywhere as excited as these girls on So You Think You Can Dance.

These Easter jokes are multiplying like rabbits. It's almost not bunny anymore.

Shout out to the first hole in the wall that believed in itself enough to become glorious.

This place is a coloring book for adults.

I'm starting to get worried my life actually peaked the first time I saw The Land Before Time.

Disney taught me this week that women who speak their mind start wars, moms are too much to bear, and you have to be brave to be ginger.

How much will I forget if I get my wisdom teeth pulled?

Mathematicians found a way to work with imaginary numbers and don't argue about it all the time, theists and atheists.

The idiot who spelled it grammar was hammared.

I'll be pushing 30 this year. I know that's not old, but it's clearly old enough that I'm saying things like "pushing 30."

Way too many of my cleaning efforts end with "meh, it's better than it was before."

Every time I get a new follower, I'm compelled to do a disgusting or unsavory tweet to see if our love will be real.

If the bartender made a great drink, down it fast to get another one. If they made a shitty drink, down it faster to get a different one.

Stars and retweets are like candy and this place is the creepy van and we probably should have listened to our parents more.

Fine, I'll go to your stupid cookout. How long do I have to stay? Is there a take-food-home-instead option?

Manual retweets, because capturing your mental breakdowns is so epic I won't risk you deleting those tweets later.

So you’ve seen that tweet before. Big deal. What it cost you? I bet you watch movie remakes too, at $10 a pop.