The Retweet is mightier than the Star.

My oldest kid can pour the milk jug without spilling now, so I'm pretty sure I can stay in bed all day.

Dear dads who spend time with your kids, THAT'S HOT.

You can't be funny if you're not smart.

Ladies, if your purse cannot hold a human head, you're doing it wrong.

Whoever said that good things come in small packages, obviously never had a big package.

If you can't laugh at yourself, then please allow me.

I almost just unfollowed someone for being happy in the morning.

Your lack of intelligence is starting to outweigh your cuteness.

You can take a joke or you can take a hike.

Why can't you just read my mind and say and do and be all the right things? Is that too much to ask?

Where's the "That's Not Funny" button on this thing?

The best thing about the people I follow on Twitter is that nobody gives a shit and we all do it together.

Note to self: Turn off the ceiling fan before jumping on the bed.

You guys, I've been to Canada. It's REAL.

Just survived another rousing game of "No, grandma, that's not a real tattoo".

You may not know it, but you're Twitter elite to me.

Hardees offers a fried bologna biscuit. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I see your star, and raise you a retweet.

I don't want you to be the person you think I think you should be. Just be you.