I think "Let them eat shit" would have been more callous than "Let them eat cake" but that's for historians to decide.

Guys: if a woman wants to meet you from a dating site whose screen name is "Nutz4Catz," take a pass. You are welcome.

Did you ever laugh so hard *milk came shooting out of your nose? (*cocaine)

So it's cool for banks to rob us blind but not cool for us to rob them? Seems like a double standard ...

Pro Tip for the young men: If you really want to control your woman, do not try to control her at all.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

If anyone is itching to perform a drive-by shooting, a FB "friend" is celebrating getting a new washing machine. Aim carefully.

"Oh bee-have" - bad Austin Powers imitation and even worse beekeeper joke.

If you trampled someone to death during Black Friday but not 5 or 6 people we can be still be friends but not besties

Wouldn't turn down a back massage from a strong chimp right now.

"Love thy neigbour as thyself" Really? So everyone's cool if I go over and chronically masturbate her? Nice.

Every flower arrangement is an "edible arrangement" if you're hungry/high enough.

Gonna open a new store: "Cash for Drugs" -- you bring in your drugs and I give you cash on the spot. Quality counts people.

FART: Funky Ass Rectal Toot.

Magic mushrooms are God's way of saying "have a ball, pal." Their taste is God's way of saying "nothing's free, kid."

Putting me in charge of a pharmacy would be like putting W.C. Fields in charge of a distillery.

One way to ensure I never eat with you is to refer to yourself as a "foodie."

Method Man's method of death was by meth o.d., man.

"I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone" - me, in 1986. And now.

Trying to make a joke on FB is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a goldfish in that some of my friends are dumb as hell.