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Star Wars: People competing on favstar.
Sometimes multiple microwave heating's are required when I prepare my man feast.
I had sex outside today, maybe now polar bears will accept me as one of their own.
Evenly rationing my happiness because I want it to last throughout the week.
When you no longer fear what others think about you life becomes more enjoyable.
Showering with a bottle of whiskey sums up my ability to be in a steady relationship.
Black history month is always a dark time for me.
The way I feel today resembles the rejection every first and last slice of bread in a bread bag encounter daily.
In case the Mayans were right, we should all have sex.
"I was going to bang this chick but our zodiac signs weren't compatible." -No guy, ever.
You know what I can't stand? A racist piece of shit. Wait, onions too.
As I'm sitting here on the toilet I glance over and see that I might not make it with the amount of toilet paper left. I'm really scared.
Everything isn't bigger in Texas, just the assholes.
Never trust a person who fails to capitalize the first word of a sentence.
My life needs a F5 key.
I'm positive that the love of my life is the girl posting pictures of herself vomiting into a toilet.
I really have to stop rubbing my nipples when I'm taking a shit.
I'm in the 1% when it comes to not giving a fuck about percentages.
Checked my facebook and saw everyone's perfect life. I need some anti-depressants.
Mission Impossible: Wake up. Get out of bed. Lay on the couch. Attempt to cook.
I'm a coyote and I smuggle illegal aliens for a living.