Star Wars: People competing on favstar.

Sometimes multiple microwave heating's are required when I prepare my man feast.

I had sex outside today, maybe now polar bears will accept me as one of their own.

Evenly rationing my happiness because I want it to last throughout the week.

When you no longer fear what others think about you life becomes more enjoyable.

Showering with a bottle of whiskey sums up my ability to be in a steady relationship.

Black history month is always a dark time for me.

The way I feel today resembles the rejection every first and last slice of bread in a bread bag encounter daily.

In case the Mayans were right, we should all have sex.

"I was going to bang this chick but our zodiac signs weren't compatible." -No guy, ever.

You know what I can't stand? A racist piece of shit. Wait, onions too.

As I'm sitting here on the toilet I glance over and see that I might not make it with the amount of toilet paper left. I'm really scared.

Everything isn't bigger in Texas, just the assholes.

Never trust a person who fails to capitalize the first word of a sentence.

My life needs a F5 key.

I'm positive that the love of my life is the girl posting pictures of herself vomiting into a toilet.

I really have to stop rubbing my nipples when I'm taking a shit.

I'm in the 1% when it comes to not giving a fuck about percentages.

Checked my facebook and saw everyone's perfect life. I need some anti-depressants.

Mission Impossible: Wake up. Get out of bed. Lay on the couch. Attempt to cook.