I star tweets because I don't know what the hell is going on

Carrot Top is the ugliest woman I have ever seen

Do those big urinal mints taste funny to anybody else too?

On Facebook I just mentioned the weather, where as, on Twitter I just admitted I may have had sex with a pancake!

If there's life after death then do I still have to live in a mobile home?

" Four score and the whore next door on the floor " - Abe Lincoln's first attempt at writing rap lyrics

I always open the automatic doors at Walmart like a Jedi. Kids like it, adults are less impressed.

Now that I've passed 400 followers I feel it's safe to admit all my tweets were written by children in a Malaysian sweatshop

I am following some seriously disturbed and twisted individuals here on Twitter....thank God!

I just bought a blindfold but I can't see myself wearing it

I'm 42, it's noon, and I'm trying to think of a funny tweet involving an anus and actor Rip Torn!

Glad to contribute to society!

I just think it's an odd food choice, eating hot dogs at a nude beach, just saying!

Until Twitter, I just referred to the computer as the porn box

If you reach for the stars, just remember they're actually suns and will burn the flesh off your bones

Being forced to down multiple beers against my will! Please send help..........and maybe more beers!

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your pants and make your balls look bigger

Long weekend coming up! I plan to get David Hasselhoff-on-the-bathroom-floor-eating-a-hamburger kinda intoxicated!

Cowtipping is bullshit, they took all my small bills

How can anyone order "pulled pork" without snickering?

If Fatty Arbuckle married Kevin Bacon in the afterlife he'd be Fatty Bacon