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Linus: I got a fave!
Peppermint Patty: I got a RT!
Lucy: I got a FF!
Charlie Brown: I got a rock :(
I've given up on ever having "fans" and now simply aim for a small group of people who don't go, "Fuck...him?"
My mom is still herself even at 89. So excited about the fistfight at the breakfast table at her care home. Wishing I had been there.
On the bright side, I think it's nice that people still go bowling.
Can't wait for more breaking news these topical jokes keep lifting me higher
One time I had diarrhea in NYC and didn't tell anyone about it
Too fucked up to Tweet?
Check your email! What could possibly go wrong?
People are so proud to tell you there's no bass line in When Doves Cry you'd think it was their idea.
When I see a comic I need to be laughing 100% of the time. No filler. No thinking. No politics. I want you to tickle me for a straight hour.
The news is talking about which places are "Ebola Free" and I'm like, I don't care how much it costs pal I'm not interested
When asked by the Dr. if I had traveled out of the country recently I said "No, I'm a housewife but I'm willing to take my chances."
Your relentless pursuit for instant gratification causes turmoil & I think that's why your eyes are dead but other than that I love this pic
Ways I'm Like a Cat:
4)Lick myself clean
5)Always stuck in trees
7)Screams at children
[Cop pulls me over]
"Sir why are you sweating so much?"
Well the dead body in my trunk was heavy.
I meant alive body
Accidentally did a sit-up reaching for the remote. Please send your prayers during this difficult time
He kissed her she pulled away & said do u smoke he said no she said oh so you naturally smell like shit he said yes - from my romance novel
It's so cute & fun & not totally annoying how I can't even mention nudity in a non-sexual way in a tweet without getting creep responses.
I had cleaned up pee, vomit and shit by 8:00 am today, but please, continue telling me how having a dog is nothing like having a baby.
This is the time of day when all the moms in my subdivision run & my cigarette smoking fat ass sits and watches those bitches from my porch
Dogs look exactly like cats if cats were bigger and looked like dogs. Makes you think