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When do people actually wear pajamas?
*frantically pulls book after book off shelf* Nope...Bible, nope...Bible, no this cant be! Bible! [CLOSE UP OF BIBLE OPEN ON FLOOR]
Sometimes I fear M. Night Shyamalan is controlling my life and the twist is all the books I thought I was reading turn out to be the Bible.
If your wedding video doesn't go viral, one of you dies.
Austen had a point. Not enough strangers around these days to sweep us off our feet after a fist fight and a terrible misunderstanding.
At the store I bought some sourdough, a cinnamon raisin loaf, English muffins, and pita bread and the cashier just looked at me and nodded
What are the chances Sam Smith is a serial murderer I'm going with 65%
Stop telling me that dumb shit on the Internet "IS EVERYTHING" and "WILL CHANGE MY LIFE," you fucking simpletons.
We ate dinner at 4 because my son has to write an exam tonight but he thought it would be nice for me too as I wouldn't have to cook later.
If you make that jerk-off hand motion a lot you're probably surrounded by like a hundred horny ghosts right now.
I wonder how long it will be until we find out all this controversy around "The Interview" is a complete hoax?
The Matrix Revolutions (2003): A stupid ass movie that only cops like
My tweets about Sammy Hagar made Twitter recommend I follow David Lee Roth. Meow, Twitter. MEEow.
Boss: You're too sensitive for this job.
Me: [sobbing] I just find the term "plainclothes officer" hurtful, Sarge. This is my best shirt.
Slowed down to 40km/hr per the law and now so slow I'm falling asleep behind the wheel. Probably not making the streets safer.