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May, 2009. 5th hole. I was about to tee off. Someone driving by yelled "I BET YOU'RE OVERPAR!" His words still haunt me. How did he know?
Dr: "I'm sorry but u have multiple sclerosis."
"Wat? How many?"
"Like 5? 10? Did u count?"
"100!? Don't say 100!"
Hell is like reg life but ur socks fall down a bit with every step and at first ur like this ain't so bad but after 1000 yrs u r fed up!
[Dog first date]
"So Karen, your profile says u have a couple pups....how old are they?"
"Yes I do Gary, they're 137 months."
[1st interview after landing on 1way trip to Mars]
Reporter: "do u have any regrets?"
"I ate all the beef jerky on the way."
"I want a divorce."
Good cop: "help us and we will help u"
Bad cop: "admit it scumbag! U did it!"
Crook: "I'm innocent!
Dad cop: "hi innocent, I'm dad cop"
[Clutching dying husband's hand at bedside]
"did u take the garbage out? It's garbage day tomoro...It's on the *sniff* calendar."
What's up with 100% humidity? U telling me we can't fit anymore humidity in? Not even like a tiny humidity? U think I'm a dumb ass, science?
I don't care about the AM leak but I am going to be irate if they ever release the names of everyone who has shopped at Lane Bryant.
Are you really even from Clermont if you've never had a red light ticket on Hancock?
I hate the twins on Big Brother so much.
1. Find out what a snake shot is.
2. Find out what an anchor baby is.
3. Buy hot sauce.
I am very busy running everyone I know through the Ashley Madison hack site.
[Jesus appears at the second coming]
[Crowd gathers and falls in silence in awe]
Me: "He's shorter than I thought."
Lip balm makes me happy.
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