Just so we’re clear I don’t WANT to see Matt Damon’s penis I NEED to see Matt Damon’s penis.

there is nothing that could make me happier than watching this new "North America" show on Discovery right now ok sorry for the Lame Tweet

If they were really self-checkout lines, they'd have mirrors.

If I never watch the series finales I have on my DVR then technically they never actually happened.

What’s the over/under that Matt Damon will hang dong in that Liberace movie

Give me a giant barrel of popcorn and I will eat it all of it without stopping if you're looking for a fun way to kill me.

daft punk? more like the stephen hawking cool ranch doritos experience

I wish there was an app that would let me know when I'm acting cray cray.

I have an excel spreadsheet on my desktop where I’m slowly trying to memorize the 27 constitutional amendments. I don’t remember why?

At the risk of sounding too "political," I can't think of even one recipe I like pineapple in.

Fell asleep at the park a lady woke me up & said the kid I'm babysittin kicked her son I said THAT'S A GOOD IDEA then did karate on her body

"What are you gonna get me for my birthday? I don't want no more jewelry." (Her birthday is August 11)
#mominnyc

Your Jesus fish tells me you believe in not having fun.

Say "underwears" again. I fucking dare you.

Are you man enough to pack my fudge

Is she still considered a prostitute if you pay her in Trident Layers?

Literally the last car let on the ferry. Damn right I’m buying a Powerball ticket the minute we dock.

There's something you're not telling me about that barn

Ok, so the word "daddy" isn't supposed to be sexy, like, at all, right? *writes this down*

I spend 4% of my day making up percentages for shitty tweets.