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I tried to talk my way out of a speeding ticket, but "shut up and kiss me, you fool" was not the way to go.
I love how we're all shocked that someone who chose Tequila as her last name said something crazy
Truthful Tuesday: I'm an American female and I don't own any Uggs®.
You know who is really kicking ass at living Paleo? The homeless.
Ruffles with ridges, for her pleasure.
My favorite part of my new Paleo lifestyle is screaming in terror whenever I see a car, then throwing my spear at it.
ugh now i'll never be on teen mom
On my way to therapy. Is there anything anyone would like me to bring up for them?
Twitter: Reminding you that people are awful since 2006.
I'm trying out a variety of fake laughs and so far the boyfriend isn't a fan of the "wheezy grunt" when he asks if we can do the sex.
Feeling crazy enough to eat the pretzels out of this bag of party mix.
Finding out someone prefers tea to coffee is as awkward as finding out they put the tops of shampoo bottles in their butt.
Giving a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like putting medicine in a casket.
From now on I will leave voicemails like the Sphinx from "Gone in 60 Seconds" I'll just hit a button for a beep and cut out all my babbling.
I'm looking for directions to a restaurant so maybe stick with right and left instead of east and west, magellan.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I think a lot of these women are just getting pregnant for the subway seats
sometimes when I'm lonely I go to the grocery store and listen to all the musical greeting cards
We hear the annoying laughter following the mediocre "jokes". You dont have to announce that it's filmed before a live studio audience.
waking up with the most terrible alcohol-free hangover must be the price you pay for being a hella fine grown ass woman