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Surprise a family at home and make them suddenly perform a lethal injection with household items. Couldn't they do about as well as Arizona?
🎶 Our house is a very very very fine house. With 2 cats in the yard. Why couldn't they be dogs? They're more interactive and loyal to you. 🎶
Take me down to the gentrified city where there's dogs in purses and the girls sing biggie
If being a Maxxinista is wrong I don't want to be right
*contributes nothing to society* Swag
You only need to find a spider in your bed once to give up sleeping forever.
My cruise ship cover band, Hall and Boats, is not taking off like I'd hoped.
My husband is bullying merchants around town into restocking their sea salt chocolate supply for me.
Some people surround themselves with yes men. I surround myself with no women. At all.
Tip for the ladies: if you catch your man looking at another woman play it cool and yell-ask him if that's what he wants.
Do you like my pajamas they are what I wore today and what I'll wear tomorrow
My kid is mad that I 'made it rain' so he can't go in the pool. Bad news: I'm to blame for everything. Good news: I'm a powerful witch.
guy: "I love your laugh"
me: "hahahahaha! thank you..."
guy: "ouff, not that one. yikes."
There's at least one person out there trying to collect a complete set of those Coke cans with names on them and that makes me very sad.
With Cat Power comes Cat responsibility. I wrote most of The Wire.
Hi girls if you're hookin up with a guy & he pulls out a condom & it's a Magnum yell OH THOSE ARE FOR THE BIG ONES then wait for a proposal
Baby birds are devil spawn.