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"You guys see Better Call Saul last night?" -Scientologists
Gonna open an etsy full of sweatshirts just with names of actresses on them. I know for a fact 8 of you would buy a Diane Keaton sweatshirt
LinkedIn will freeze your account if you have a neck tattoo
When I die I'd like a trust fund set up in my name so people can donate money in case I'm revived in the future and everyone has new jackets
If I'm ever forced to have sex with January Jones, I hope she looks at me disapprovingly the whole time.
ROTFL! Just remembered what a hilarious concept Cheaper By The Dozen is for a movie! 12 children?! That's a lot!
I'm like 98% sure the gasoline goes IN the car not ON the car you buttface!
Um why is Eminem in my classic rock station?
Another year gone and I'm still not married nor in the main event of Wrestlemania, thus disappointing my dad and my mum, respectively.
Freaked out after discovering a new asymmetric mole on my arm. Turned out it was just chocolate. Again
Would you rather have one giant french fry with appropriate sauce or normal serving of fries with not enough sauce
There is not much that is more disgusting than the high chair of a newly independent eater.
I'll never pass up an opportunity to buy Star Wars bandaids. I'll elbow an 8 year old. I don't even care!
Invented in Hamburg? Call it a hamburger.
Invented in Frankfurt? Call it a frankfurter.
Invented in Waterford? Call it a blaa.
I hate saying I'm bored because there are a million things to do but I'm really bored guys.
Good news: The clocks go forward tonight, giving us an extra hour of daylight!
Bad news: We're all still definitely going to die.
I seriously don't want shoes (unless they're Darth Vader man Vans.)
Adult life has contained far fewer trapdoors than television had led me to expect.
Wrestling has influenced me so much that I insist upon being interviewed by Mean Gene Okerlund after every major life event.
Lip balm makes me happy.
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