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The expression ‘kiss my grits’ was coined by me. I kiss all the foods I like and want others to kiss my food too.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bepis
Human adults are approximately 60% water, 40% coffee grounds.
Wonder where my mom is to take a picture of me on the steps? It's my first day of school. Thanks a lot mom.
The public library moms&tots story circle wasn't ready for a stark, expressionless reading from Knut Hamsun's Hunger.
*closes breakfast menu
I just finished the BEST book
Fox News: International Coffee Day...could there be a Muslim in your cup? Sean Hannity will scream at you until you believe it...next!
If you wonder why I'm grumpy all the time, it's because nobody ever likes me when I'm happy.
I do it for you, assholes.
Hell hath no fury like a receptionist on Monday morning
Remove top of your skull, trepan 3 holes. Liquidise brain. Replace skull, pour/pipe brain in. Add sparkler, umbrella & long straw. Drink.
Definitely no shortage of nose-pickers on the train this morning.
Reese Witherspoon loves senators
When someone asks me "what do you do?" I say "what DON'T I do?" then name those things instead because that list is way more interesting.
I don't think anyone who goes to Equinox actually uses the gym
"I don't get why you use Twitter." -people constantly seeking validation for their babies on Facebook
Happy Monday everyone! The Neverending Conference Call: http://www.flyoverjoel.com/2014/09/28/the-neverending-conference-call/ …
I just want to be friends
*pushes shower curtain away*