Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Been trying to come up with a dope rap name since the Spring of '02.
If you're not sure if a woman is flirting with you, just ask. She'll leave you alone after that. So alone.
Default response to coworkers today: "My pastor says that stuff is bad news."
Oh, I just bet you'd like to know the first rule of Spite Club, wouldn't you?
Some kind of repellent spray for overly-friendly hipsters.
I'd be a lot better at body weight exercises if I could start out with a lighter body.
Reading articles about how to be more assertive, unless of course anyone doesn't want me to.
I thought I'd be an astronaut cowboy by now. I don't know what happened.
Sometimes I go on Twitter just to see what my husband has been up to.
The biggest payoff since I've started working out is being able to get off the couch without making a death rattle.
One of the best things about having a baby is never having to claim a fart. They're all his.
3 miles in 23 minutes. I'm coming for you Usain Bolt.
♪ ♫ ♪ Old man take a look at my life/I'm a lot like you were/Except I stare into a screen for an estimated 16 hours per day ♪ ♫ ♪
A steak so rare that it's polite on social media
Quit talking about Burning Man, guy in this cafe. I don't even have a joke here.
If I ever end up in a body bag, I hope they know to cinch it with a belt so my waist looks smaller
About 80% sure I stayed at the Overlook Hotel last night.