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Nephew: What do they drink in the iPhone factory?
Me: Water. Due to low wages, they can't afford...
N: (walks off, muttering "Apple juice")
I want the kind of love that lasts forever.
That's it. That's the joke.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he's the Joker.
New thing I'm trying: when favorite sports team loses I yell at my cat
I could never see 50 Shades of Grey without thinking he's going to kill her, because I've seen The Fall.
Oh Oregon, why do I ever leave you, even for a day.
If you google 'Roseanne Barr's daughter', it's all pics of Sara Gilbert and none of me or my sisters.
That new Joker reeks of Poochie.
Meanwhile my beloved Joe Dirt featured Kickin Wing, a funny modern Native American character brought to life by Adam Beach of Smoke Signals.
Huh hmmmm! I have an announcement.
I just mopped the entire house at once. This is a BIG for me, huge.
Me: So, in many ways, the dragons are actually a metaphor for nuclear weapons.
My cat: (Please get some friends)
Come for Billy Ray, stay for the hillbilly thug who inexplicably wears an Asahi beer tshirt that I became fixated on while writing this one.
Listerine should be called "burn your mouth." Regular burn your mouth, Spearmint burn your mouth, Fresh Burst of burnt mouth.
I wonder what dead people would think about having roads and highways named after them.
Common Golf Mistake: Playing Golf
Every time you eat a delicious taco chances are, by the law of averages, the miracle of birth is happening right at the same time!
I had beer
True: until just now I thought the "I" in MyIdol was a lowercase L and you guys were making weird PMS medicine jokes I didn't understand.
Lip balm makes me happy.
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