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I don't know enough about politics to speak intelligently so I'll just say this. I'm scared.
Why is "I have to wash my hair" no longer a valid excuse for not doing things? It should be.
My girlfriend has walking pneumonia. How long should I wait before I put her down?
Does anyone else want to order a bucket of bunker food off Amazon?
Kid Rock falls into a well. "Ba wit da ba!!!" he cries.
A passing sheep says, "I don't even know what that means, man."
I got a Fit Bit for Valentines Day. It came with a greeting card that said "you're fat"....or something like that.
I'm so happy Brandi is finally home.
I've been hearing a lot of trash talk about people who get big tax returns but yanno what? They tip better than anyone else. 🤑🤑🤑
"Facebook is dumb and it ruins people," he posts on Facebook from his single-wide trailer.
Just learned that German has a word meaning "a face in need of a good punch" and I finally found a reason to be proud of my German heritage.
I've got a cough like a 90yo COPD patient; no shoving boys, there's plenty of me to go around
Just ran four miles so that I could eat more during the Super Bowl
I don't give a damn about the Super Bowl, but I am very much in favor of snacks, so yes I will come to your party.
I'm not a cradle robber. My girlfriend's a grave robber.
Sometimes I think my life is boring, then I see my brother just wants to metal detect for his birthday and realize it could be much worse.
13: This isn't my fault, I'm dumb.
Me: Your dad says he's dumb, but that doesn't absolve him of responsibility, does it?
13: Yes it does.
Lip balm makes me happy.
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