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"The marine with a husband at home." Thank you for making that line so beautifully casual, President.
Me: You satisfy me in ways I didn't know existed. You are my sun and stars. You complete me.
Him: *doesn't say anything bc he's a Roomba*
I guess this is wrong https://twitter.com/flyoverjoel/status/518383573456683009 …
why do we have to be the greatest country on earth? can't we just be decent and mediocre?
My super power is that I can make all my teeth tumble out of my mouth during sex.
When the fuck did we stop calling it the information superhighway and why wasn't I told?? These youths keep laughing and calling me grandad
*BF travels abroad after dating 2mos*
How shall I ever bear this separation?
*BF travels abroad after 2yrs*
Sweet, no shaving for 9 days!
I got 4 hours of sleep in two hour chunks but I'm probably okay to operate heavy machinery and deal with people, right?
Couldn't sleep last night because I thought of a mean tweet about Taylor Swift and I was too busy enjoying it
Everything is bad. Nothing is good. Even the cute story about the puppy at the end of the news doesn't help anymore.
Michelle Obama's speech took the white-centric nature of "Make America Great Again" and destroyed it. #DemsInPhilly
sometimes ill look up at the stars and think hmm wish my mom had just used condoms until she figured out my dad wasnt right for her
Lip balm makes me happy.
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