So apparently "At least I'm not a whore." isn't a polite response to "Your house is pretty dusty."

Now I know.

Turns out guys freak out if you casually mention you’d like to celebrate Mother’s Day next year.

My shower curtain just tried some butt stuff.

I pulled out a tissue and 5 came out. For a brief, terrifying moment I felt like a clown.

If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.

I probably think way too much about how long it would take to dissolve a body in acid.

The hot water in my shower always runs out before I’m done crying.

If you’ve used a napkin to blot the grease off of pizza, I’m sorry about your inability to love.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have called 911, but my internet was out for 3 whole minutes.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19" TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Missed Connection: You were 2012. I was chronically depressed.

I used to think catatonic was a feline beverage.

Sometimes I only know what day it is by whatever it says on my pill box.

Do people still say slap and tickle because I’m getting some pretty weird replies on match dot com.

I was going for "sexy librarian" with my new glasses but I ended up with "girl who served the punch at prom".

They always say you should write what you know so from now on I’ll be tweeting prescription labels.

I have nothing funny to say here anymore so from now on I’m just gonna tell you guys what’s in my fridge.

I could really go for some fries right now. Or a husband.

In trying to decide between having a baby or getting a dog, it pretty much boiled down to which one I could leave outside all day.

I just wished upon a star so I should be having the sex any minute now. Any minute.