I might get some funny looks from my neighbors. Sigh. Sometimes it's hard to be the round one, when most of your friends are squares.

OMG I have the best costume idea ever. I'm going to be the Orgasm Fairy and carry my Hitachi Magic Wand..... Where's my Bedazzler?

My honey just snuggled me and said I smelled like dessert.

I'm gonna take that as his promise to eat me later.

I wish there was a button on my phone that could send an electric jolt to the person on the other end. Hanging up is not satisfying enough.

Just so you know....

I'm picturing you all without your pants.


*no pictures please. Believe me it's better in my imagination.

If I had known I was going to have four children maybe I would have gone with theme names... Like Eenie, Meanie, Miny & Moe

My funny seems to be broken. Just gonna retweet yours.

7: Mom! Get me some water!
Me: You know where the cups are.
7: Actually, I'm new here.

Ok now it's kinda fun. Every time I say cock I lose somebody. #cockcockcock

I just laughed so hard milk shot out my nipples.

You know it was a good party when clean up requires a hose.

Ok gotta go, I think the lady on the boat across the harbor is sending me a morse code message using her vagazzle.

Ok #datenight this is what I want from you.
Sake.
Sushi.
Sake.
Sex.

I better not be back later.
#unlessitsfunnyandimdrunk

My daughter is calling me MomBomb, I think I like it.

If I don't follow you, & you don't follow me, but we star & retweet eachother...is that the twitter equivalent of a booty call?

When you fuck on the clothes you just washed and folded, but hadn't quite gotten to the drawer yet?
Best. Dirty. Laundry. Ever.
#win

Put your words in my mouth anytime you like.

It's kinda sad I can only think of three things that rhyme with asshole

And? I will not to take it personally that there are like 40 more of you since posting the Avi where you can't see my face. #biteme

I know I said I wanted to get in the Christmas spirit but looking like rudolph and hacking up mistletoe was not what I had in mind.