My slave name is "Mom".

For my next trick I will need a volunteer and a condom.

Disney needs a movie where the Prince tells the Princess he's in love with someone else, but can still fuck her if that's "cool".

You can tell a lot about a girls vagina by looking at her eyebrows.

One minute we were smacking each other with meat, then it got weird.

I hate when I accidentally kind of sleep with someone.

I am not insane. I am voluntarily indifferent to conventional rationality.

I never make eye contact during sex. I'm always facing the wrong direction.

I can't decided if I'm romantically challenged or just a slut.

I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy

My son is a constant reminder of why swallowing isn't that bad.

Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man.

The police never seem to thinks its as funny as you do.

So, has anyone else ever tried to call their phone from their phone because they thought they lost their phone? Asking for my dignity.

My tricks aren't for kids.

My goal is to be a "stay at trailer mom".

Every time you guys star my tweets, in my mind you want me.

I wish facebook had more meaningless groups I could join and pages to like.

If you hold this bottle of vodka to your ear, you can hear me cum.

Words of wisdom from a dear friend: "You have to fuck a fat girl every now & then, it keeps you humble."