The way I now consume news: a) See jokes about a story on Twitter b) Try to work out what the story is c) Find story d) Understand jokes

Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I’ve never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

What do ducks smoke? Quack

Homosexuality isn’t a choice. Discrimination is.

Straight women wanna seduce gay men.
Gay men wanna seduce straight guys.
Straight guys wanna seduce lesbians.
Lesbians wanna be left alone.

"my penis was in the Guiness book of world records then the librarian kicked me out."

Straight women wanna seduce gay men.
Gay men wanna seduce straight guys.
Straight guys wanna seduce lesbians.
Lesbians wanna be left alone.

What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit.

RT if you think Justin Bieber is a bottom pic.twitter.com/2hSTDeIAR8

My nephew asked me what a Republican was. To demonstrate, I took half his toys and gave them to the rich neighbor's kids.

RT if you want to get fucked by a pair of identical twin brothers. http://t.co/H08bg8Gu

RT if you would date one of your twitter followers.

I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I’ve never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

RT if this is your fantasy pic.twitter.com/nZtGwzL42B

Please ReTweet this pic. :) pic.twitter.com/bFIOAy1cQ4

If you take the wrong drugs every car is the police. If you take the right drugs every car is an ice cream sandwich.

RT if you're gay and proud of it.

RT if you're gay and proud of it.

RT if you're GAY!