Eating Chik-fil-A to support free speech is like going to a Klan meeting because you really like sheets.

I scorched my mouth on my microwave burrito, but it's cool, I can just use the middle of it to ice down the burn.

I've dated men who have asked me fewer questions than this gas pump just did.

I'm never mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie.

My boobs hurt so much today I have to hold them going down stairs. I don't have to honk them after, but I do because I'm worth it.

I don't need to be 22 again, I just want to be doesn't make any noise getting up from the couch years old.

If your name is Becky I will never not ask you to look at some girl's butt.

We get it, people who drive jeeps. You want us to flip you over if you're upside down. Because the road to Costco is soo fraught with peril.

"Ok, I don't have all the details worked out, but basically it's about Matt Damon running from something." -every Hollywood movie pitch.

Kongrats to the girls for their Kardashian Kollection! They are so klever. And totally not at all kfuctarded.

My panties today are so granny they just sent me a birthday card with 5 bucks in it.

Holiday thoughts from 15:

If a gingerbread man lives in a gingerbread house, isn't that like a person living in a house of human flesh?

If you send me an invitation with confetti in it, you've just invited me to hate you.

If I ever come up and rub your back for a job well done, know that I'm proud of you, and also I probably just ate cheetos.

Everything I've had to eat today rhymes with Balloween Schmandy.

Do people know that Maury doesn't hold the rights to paternity tests? You can get those done privately and not turn your kid into Ted Bundy.

No double dipping?

There isn't an inch of my body you wouldn't put in your mouth, but I can't put this chip back in the ranch.

Try again.

Based on the amount of cringing that occurs when I open a tube of biscuits, the bomb squad would probably be wise to reject my application.

If I ever start thinking I'm cool, please remind me that in 1996 I owned a flannel shirt that's sole purpose was to be tied around my waist.

Plan: Go to wealthy parties. Say "This cheese is a fonDON'T!" Bask in well-heeled laughter. Accept gifts of dressage horses and key to city.