How much baby powder do I feed this baby? It looks full.

Exaggeration has like fifty g's in it.

Shout out to myself, I love you buddy!

Just saw a live male praying mantis... HAHA VIRGIN!!

I like to say "gross balls, bro" to the guy at the next urinal, so he knows I'm not gay.

"Twitter Crush" sounds too innocent, for what I've got in mind.

I wrote three Adam Sandler movies today.

I can't stand ignorance! That's when someone is ignoring you right?

I call my penis the "guest toothbrush".

I gave favstar some money. When do I get funnier?

Good thing about America, lots of medium t-shirts on the clearance rack.

My favorite part of the song Bad Company by the band Bad Company from the hit album Bad Company is the part when he screams "Bad Company!"

Little old white ladies driving! Your pace says Sunday drive, but your face says fleeing a murder scene on coke... What gives?

My dog just winked at me. I don't think so, Pickle, I haven't swung that way in years.

They should make little models of Rome, that you can build in a day.

Anymore assholes want to explain my own tweet to me?

I just stole a baby from a candy store. Am I doing this right?

I wrote a three page alternative to "The Kama Sutra" called "Top, Bottom, Sleepy".

Google "boobs" you guys. Just trust me on this.

OH MY GOD MY PHONE DIED FOR TWO HOURS IS EVERYBODY OK!???!?!