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@HoityPolloi's (Dré) most faved Tweets...
HoityPolloi
For fuck's sake, can someone please design a refrigerator that sighs wistfully and rolls its eyes when I stand with the door open too long.
@HoityPolloi
HoityPolloi
Just beat my dog in a staring contest, idiot broke eye contact to lick his wang.

For some reason this doesn't really feel like a victory.
@HoityPolloi
HoityPolloi
Looks like people I know have found Twitter... OH NO SOMEONE HAS HACKED MY ACCOUNT AND POSTED VILE OFFENSIVE SHIT FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS!
@HoityPolloi
HoityPolloi
Why won't anyone make eye contact with me today? I don't have crazy eyes.

Oh god, please someone tell me I don't have crazy eyes.
@HoityPolloi
13
CcSteffStarfishDarlingayeshamusMODATroughdictionAuntMarveldonchiefnerdanonygirlcalifmomCranberryPersonkyleridolfothedayhascomekambrock
HoityPolloi
Sweet motherfuck, why do I seem to spend half my life waiting for cheese to melt on things?
@HoityPolloi
12
califmomCcSteffjonathaneuniceInSoOutSolindstifaCranberryPersonZaius13couchAuntMarvelcrispycrackaMODATckolderup
HoityPolloi
With the power to open doors and make snausages appear; you'd think this dog would worship me like its god, not vomit on me while I sleep.
@HoityPolloi
12
CcSteffAmIThatBoringamynicole21CranberryPersonJeeNeeBeekyleridolfomahalislurkeykambrockMODATFreakdadfactualfiction
HoityPolloi
Then I leaned in and whispered 'I want you inside of me'.

Sadly for both of us I was talking to a slice of birthday cake.
@HoityPolloi
12
InSoOutSoirreverendsarkastickuntcalifmomreagankGorillaSushikyleridolfomahalisStarfishDarlinginvisible_1MODATFreakdad
HoityPolloi
"Just because you put a cat in the oven doesn't make it a biscut."
@HoityPolloi
12
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HoityPolloi
You know what really chaps my ass? Running 15 kilometers.

I'm never listening to you bastards complain about Internet butt-hurt again.
@HoityPolloi
11
CcSteffStillDrewbeeborgamynicole21wryredheadGorillaSushikyleridolfopenfabulouslurkeyMODATFreakdad
HoityPolloi
Just got Favrd twice at *the same* time. That's literally as close to banging two hot chicks as I'll EVER get.
@HoityPolloi
11
kayhanfrageelayswimparalleleatfossttsecobigrballsthanushustakambrockMODATFreakdadfactualfiction
HoityPolloi
Oh fuck! I accidentally just found out who Jon & Kate are. Months of hard work pissed away in one moment of carelessness.
@HoityPolloi
10
giromidecrispycrackaJessabelle2o7detweilerlafixirreverendFriedaClubkambrockMODATSophTwee
HoityPolloi
So, salmon is still pink after being shat out by a dog and smeared over carpet? You live, you learn, you properly dispose of the body.
@HoityPolloi
10
smashedpotatoesawryonelindstifaZaius13CcSteffsuerellFriedaClubMODATFreakdadSophTwee
HoityPolloi
Ever tried eating yoghurt with a fork? No, me neither. I use my fingers like a normal fucking person.
@HoityPolloi
10
CcSteffwarmyellowlightthedayhascomesmashedpotatoestheresa_laurenlondesMODATFreakdadsuerellSophTwee
HoityPolloi
Excuse me kind sir, might I be so bold as to trouble you for a what-what?
@HoityPolloi
10
snortingmarmotsmassive_rallyeoportoroughdictionyouhasCranberryPersonsista_flapjackNotactuallymeMODATFreakdad
HoityPolloi
This iPhone app uses Comic Sans? Seriously, you mean I paid actual fucking Earth dollars for Comic Sans.
@HoityPolloi
10
CcSteffseanhusseyayeshamusanonygirljevaunkyleridolfomomkumahalisMODATFreakdad
HoityPolloi
Me: Happy Mother's Day, Zombie Mumsie.

ZM: Grrr brains! ... Have you finished that degree yet? When are you going to give me a grandchild?
@HoityPolloi
10
xflamexthestoryofbjevaunmsteciukreagankkyleridolfolindstifalurkeyMODATFreakdad
HoityPolloi
For some reason I'm suddenly overcome with the feeling that my current iPhone is completely fucking disgusting.
@HoityPolloi
9
blankslateCcSteffspdracerxseanhusseyjevaunCranberryPersonlisarahmatsaadiqMODAT
HoityPolloi
Friday night, 1 a.m. Sitting on the sofa in my underpants, eating a grilled cheese sandwich, watching 30 Rock.

Sorry ladies, I'm gay.
@HoityPolloi
9
gordonshumwaynictateeoportoyowhatsthehapsTheStepstertwitlessMODATfactualfictionFreakdad
HoityPolloi
The man-boobs are coming from inside the house!
@HoityPolloi
8
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HoityPolloi
For future reference, your use of the word "chillax" was the moment I decided to kill you.
@HoityPolloi
8
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