I've bypassed the crying and moved straight on to the pint of ice cream. Saves time.

This pillow must love getting head all night, I totally would.

Having an hourglass shape has its benefits. Turn me upside down and you'll figure out why.

When you star my tweets regularly, it really makes me think you want to bang me. If so, yes please.

For the amount of times a day I shake my head in disgust, I'm surprised people don't mistake me for Michael J Fox.

I don't do the whole "accept compliments" thing, but insult me and I'll probably blow you.

You can't get charged with murder if you only kill their spirit.

I wasted what could have potentially been the sluttiest years of my life in a bad relationship. Not cool.

This guy ordered a footlong sub, the bag broke and it fell everywhere. He apologized to the floor. We're totally soul mates.

If you follow and star fat whorecunts who take shit from facebook joke sites for use on twitter, you're dead to me. 3000 followers my ASS.

Hey, I'll stop making offensive comments when you stop reading them.

Yeah cat, please keep looking at the ghost who is teabagging me right now. Not freaking me out at all..

I like to starfuck, is that SO wrong twitter? I will fuck you, one way or another.

Out of all the sluts you could have texted, I'm honored you chose me.

You know those weird twitter crushes people get? I got one..Two..Okay like 6, possibly 9, together at once.

Unlike you, I follow and star because I ENJOY THE MATERIAL.

If my head was proportionate to my chest, I'd have a huge fucking head.

Whose tits do I have to show to get some stars around here?

I knew you were gay when you used that semicolon for something other than a wink ;)

I liked it better when you ignored me.