If we are all God's children then what the hell is so special about Jesus?

Vegetarians are just really bad hunters.

My tweets may be full of shit, but at least it's not inspirational shit.

I think the Progressive Insurance lady wears a lot of white for a woman named Flo.

I"m a guy so I don't have any cleavage for an AvI, will plumber's butt do?

I made a wise crack about liposuction, now I have a plastic surgeon following me. I hope I never tweet about serial killers...Oh Shit.

My wedding anniversary is also the anniversary of the day that my spirit animal was shot by a hunter.

I don't think I'll ever get married again. I'll just find a woman who hates my guts and buy her a house.

Yesterday I was asked do you prefer paper or plastic? Nowadays even hookers are on the environmental bandwagon.

Tomorrow I'm getting a vasectomy. My wife is excited because, she thinks it is going to be upgraded to a cordless model.

If life hands me lemonaids, I don't know what I'll make of it?

I belong to a lobby group called, Cancel Unwanted Nonessential Taxation. So yes, you could call me a CUNT.

Just spilled oatmeal all over my mouse. Is that a poor man's brunch or euphemism for jerkin' off? You decide.

My super power: I can write my name in the snow...In calligraphy.

Is twitter getting you down? Considering twittercide? THEN YOU'RE TAKING IT WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. Just stop tweeting until you're in the mood.

I guess ten years ago, having a Hummer just wasn't enough for Arnie.

Hey guys, did you ever feel like you couldn't get followed in a woman's prison with a handful of pardons?

This year don't go looking for the easter bunny's eggs. Remember, he hides them because he doesn't want anyone to know he fucks chickens.

I have developed a sex toy to help angsty teens deal with depression and puberty. I think I'll call it "Tickle Me EMO".

When you want to get back at your partner, tap them on the shoulder in the night and say "you have to pee" see what happens in 5mins later.