Happy Pretending It's Not Weird When Relatives Ask You If You Like Dark Meat Day!

A wise man once told me, "Shhh"

Gift cards just doubled my net worth

I wish Twitter could verify how soft my hair feels today.

Aw, nachos, I loved you! Why you wanna hurt me inside?

become my friend for a free subscription to daily text updates such as "ugh" and "UGH"

I handled my workday with astonishing professionalism, considering I'm wearing bathing suit bottoms as underwear.

America the beautiful? More like America the solid 6, maybe

SHOW BEYONCÉ STRETCHING

The saddest thing is, I really would love a free iPad.

Most of you guys seem like the rugged, indoorsy type

People: the worst thing since intact loaves of bread

Stay the fuck away from me, small children comfortable ordering their own Starbucks

I'd just like to make regular appearances on the podcast in your heart.

I'm on that "I have no $ until Friday" cleanse

Yeah I live an active lifestyle
*actively tries not to be weird*

Dry shampoo is my wingman

An action thriller called The 1%. Not about the economy though. Just a hero running at top speed, dramatically diving toward phone chargers.

"Can't do you, cuz I gotta do me,"
I said to the dishes as I hip-hopped into the shower.

I got the salsa jar open!
#I #N #D #E #P #E #N #D #E #N #T