If I win the lottery I'm filling an entire room of my house with beds. Wall to wall mattresses. A room dedicated to naps and fornication

Just spent a half hour on Amazon debating on purchasing a workout DVD. Now I'm thinking about eating chips & dip for the 2nd time tonight

Helping grandma move today. This could make for some funny tweets, or tweets about how much I hate everything. Stay tuned...

Put down the phone. Stop looking at Twitter. -sets phone down- picks phone up 30 seconds later. This has been my whole night.

You shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but that doesn't apply to anyone wearing an Affliction T-shirt

If you're drunk you should be banned from Facebook but forced to tweet...

To the possible drag queen behind me... U are in line @ a business cafeteria. You are not in a five star restaurant. Order accordingly

If you need proof that most people are stupid, work in a call center.

Don't blame the bratty kids. Blame the shitty parents...

Hash tags in a work email. There's something I hadn't seen... Before now. Stupid moron.

The Mormon across the hall just brought home ten drunk girls. Wonder if they'll pray before the orgy?

Currently watching a spider that I can't reach. He's slowly moving lower. Poor fucker has no idea what's coming...

Today is one of those days where i'll be giving close to zero effort & I don't much care if the boss notices

Moving grandma.... And there has to be all 86 years worth of phone books in this house

Jesus. When did Hilary Clinton die? Why did they feel the need to prop her corpse up for this?

This is my life. My husband has a meat thermometer testing the floor temp vs. the ceiling temp because his feet are cold

Does a shit ton weigh more than a regular ton?

When I win Mega Millions tonight I'll be deleting all my social media accounts. I can't risk it. You fuckers are crazy.

It's a bad sign that I've only been awake for an hour & a half and I'm already in kill mode

I've taken 2,675 (really) phone calls at work so far this year. And my mom bitches because I don't want to talk on the phone.