You know you're getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

If you say "YOLO" one more time, I will END THE LIFE YOU ARE CURRENTLY ONLY LIVING ONCE.

I just did a line of Pepsi off this girl's ass. They lied, it's not even close to the same thing.

The last time I heard someone on cocaine say something interesting, I was on cocaine.

How to be both aroused and confused simultaneously... http://t.co/2WXtoTFY

I've been accused of following people just because they're attractive. I'm really sorry because I know I'm the only person who does this.

Sometimes it's fun to play hide and seek with little kids then not look for them and then secretly move and deny everything for 18 years.

Steve Jobs once said “a lot of times, people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.”

So I'm in jail now...

I woke up to a woman who will neither leave nor stop crying so I guess I had sex last night.

I'm trying to get as many people on my podcast as possible.

"Podcast" is my nickname for my penis.

There's a rumor going around that I'm in a relationship but it's a lie my bitch wife is spreading.

I feel so bad for people who haven't had sex with me.

My sister had unprotected sex and got peoples.

Just revealed to a girl I like that I have a Twitter account as a crab. "You're not getting anywhere near me," said the ugly, mean girl.

My iPhone wisely corrects "free spirit" to "whore".

I bet the worst part of being able to put your penis in your mouth is that it feels more like sucking dick than getting your dick sucked.

If you're ever in a falling elevator, jump at the last moment. You'll live for 0.001 seconds longer than the others. Time enough to laugh.

Sorry, I'm not familiar with this "Facebook" you refer to. I just said I was sorry for poking your girlfriend.

Dance like no one is watching, fuck me like your ex-boyfriend is.

Just spent an agonizing, horrible hour trying to shorten a tweet by a single character, so DON'T TELL ME MY LIFE ISN'T FUCKING HARD.