It's true. You don't know what you got till its gone, or the results come back.

My spirit animal just mounted yours.

If these high winds knock over my martini, someone will die. Watch your back Mamma Nature.

I am way too high to be at work, yet not high enough to be at work. That is how fucking high I am.

If I tell you I love you, don't get too excited. I love gin and weed too.

When I ask how your day was, I really mean would you give me a blowjob?

If I had a vagina my tweets would be much funnier but I probably wouldn't be on twitter much because I'd be always playing with my vagina.

My computer won't let me leave work. It is obviously evil and therefore female. I will bring it chocolates and flowers monday.

It's so quiet out here, you can almost hear me losing my erection.

I need someone to video my first threeway. And to bring over two women.

Women are evil. That is all. Carry on. Just make sure you have a silver holy crucifix in the shape of a dildo for protection.

I can't cut a straight line. Related-I will never trim my own eyebrows or hair again.

Nothing like getting ready to have sex and get a bad case of gas. I'm gonna have to fake an orgasm.

I need a box to put this penis in for Valentines.

My girl wants to use a dildo on me and I said no I'm not into that. She called me a tight ass. I said yeah we're gonna keep it that way too.

It is now time for me to go through my favorites and pick someones tweet to be my facebook status. Good luck to you all.

If midget porn is ever banned, I'll probably leave the house and get job.

@sheila_mac420 At least you have company. Now back to my XM radio. Cheerz Sheila. Damn cool pic.

I don't think the sex toy industry gets it's fair share of government funding for research. Hence the high prices.

I should had kept those pornbots as followers instead of blocking them. I'd be up to 500 followers and ya'll would get a cock pic. Your loss