The deaf guy at work just asked me, 'imh da shmug shmah du shmee duh moo kin?' I told him to follow his heart.

I bet an Asian girlfriend would be cool at first but then she'd be all, 'awhh, ching pow ping pow! Me Chinese! Why you no make no moneys?'

Is it still considered drinking alone if your wife and child are hiding from you in the bedroom with the door locked?

When Dora asks a question, and I get it wrong but my son gets it right, the TV goes off. My house, my rules.

This girl just told me about the time she peed herself & I had to act all grossed out while I covered up my boner.

My boss complains that I'm too loud when I jerk off in the bathroom. It's called passion, dude! Ever hear of it?

I'm sure starvation hurts pretty bad, like in your tummy, but being really full is no picnic either. So let's try to keep some perspective.

The guy in this porn just put on a condom. It's just a movie, man. RELAX!

Everyone hates Americans so much cuz they're all jealous that we don't have to get up 15 minutes early to wash our foreskins.

When I see a black man I think 'maybe we're not so different.' But then they're all, 'what the fuck you starin at, you creepy ass mu'fucka?'

Yeah, I'd be pissed if I ever caught my wife fucking another guy, but I'd probably let em finish. I'm not a complete asshole.

Sometimes, I do this thing where I stuff my limp wiener inside a vagina hole & cum before I get hard. I call it a soft serve & she laughs.

When I have sex with my wife, I fantasize about jerking off in the shower.

My son has this weird, spaced-out look in his eyes lately. Anybody know the early warning signs of Christianity in children?

But all joking aside, Christians don't REALLY believe all that shit for real, do they?

I often worry that my penis will find out that my hand isn't really a vagina. I bet you can never earn that kind of trust back.

Probably my favorite way to die would be after I bench lift a whole bunch of pounds & I get done & all my gym buds high five me to death.

Why is it socially acceptable for a woman to own a vibrator but my shower mounted ass & vagina needs to come down when we have house guests?

When I wear a condom, my dick looks like Jared wearing his old fat pants.

Found this porn online where it's like this couple's having sex except they're facing each other. Kinda gross.