As I sit here on the bus I'm reminded of words I should use more often... wino... skank... public masturbation...

I don't go to friends' funerals. What? Well they're sure as hell not going to go to mine!

Always wanted to go to HomeDepot project counter & ask what bolts to use on a brass pole to take up to 400 lbs of gyrating, undulating mass.

"father accused of masterminding the runaway balloon publicity stunt..." Woa, woa, woa... masterminding? #overstatementofthecentury

Tender is the night;
Callous is the morning.

Did you know that If you lined up all the women in Sweden, from 18 to 45, naked... I'd be right there?

What was that rule about Alzheimer's Club, again?

Wow. Some brown shoe polish residue on your index finger and no one sits near you on the bus! #win

Something something morning, yadda yadda coffee, blah blah hump day...

#eastcoasttwitteradvantage

Doesn't everyone else pronounce "Orangina" like "vagina"? What? Thaaat explains the look from the cashier...

Jesus Christ. You mention "God" in one little tweet and the southern Bible bots are on you like flies on... oh, shit! Here they come again!

I am now connected to your mom:
http://twitpic.com/1jcv4r

Word is she can handle 253 "clients" at the same time. I'm only number five..

"There must be fifty ways to love your lever... " - I prefer a warm soapy mitten...

If I have a onesome three times in a row, does that qualify as a threesome?

Oh... so when you said you were into "DP", you meant Digital Photography? Well... this is kinda awkward. Vince, I guess you can go home...

Ha ha! I took a nighttime decongestant instead of a daytime one this morning!! April fools BITCHESssssss zzzzzzzz...

With the impending blizzard, I will be reenacting the battle for Hoth’s Echo Base in my backyard at 0700 tomorrow with LEGO and my cats.

So when people call me "d-bag", they don't mean "duffle bag"?

Fellas, if she can clean paint rollers by hand, marry her. Trust me on this one...

Sidewalks should have two lanes: "walk" and "waddle"