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I don't go to friends' funerals. What? Well they're sure as hell not going to go to mine!
As I sit here on the bus I'm reminded of words I should use more often... wino... skank... public masturbation...
"father accused of masterminding the runaway balloon publicity stunt..." Woa, woa, woa... masterminding? #overstatementofthecentury
Did you know that If you lined up all the women in Sweden, from 18 to 45, naked... I'd be right there?
Tender is the night;
Callous is the morning.
Canadian Standoff: Two people outside a door saying, “After you,”
“No, after you,”
“But I insist,”
What was that rule about Alzheimer's Club, again?
Wow. Some brown shoe polish residue on your index finger and no one sits near you on the bus! #win
Something something morning, yadda yadda coffee, blah blah hump day...
Doesn't everyone else pronounce "Orangina" like "vagina"? What? Thaaat explains the look from the cashier...
Jesus Christ. You mention "God" in one little tweet and the southern Bible bots are on you like flies on... oh, shit! Here they come again!
"There must be fifty ways to love your lever... " - I prefer a warm soapy mitten...
If I have a onesome three times in a row, does that qualify as a threesome?
Oh... so when you said you were into "DP", you meant Digital Photography? Well... this is kinda awkward. Vince, I guess you can go home...
Pedantic with respect to type, grammar, and Oxford commas.