To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.

" I fell off the wagon so you know what that means...I'm riding wagons again." - #angelobowers

My girlfriend and I are so different. I love Chinese food, and she thinks Jesus is coming back.

Muse is playing the Star-Spangled Banner and people just lit a tent on fire in the crowd. #poetic

I was bit by a Nintendo and had to get a tetris shot.

My ideal career would be Local Non-Union Commercial Actor Astronaut Jouster.

Phew! Had an erection last 3 hours 59 minutes. That was a close one.

If you combined Frasier and The Wire, that's basically my life.

Am I a criminal for wanting to make people laugh? No. I'm a criminal because I steal from Rite Aid.

Just walked into a gang initiation and boy are my arms stabbed.

I'm such a good friend that I'll have sex with your wife just to prove to you what a terrible person she is.

Father of the Bride would be way better if it was about a man coming to terms with his gay son.

Saw a girl wearing a shirt today that said "No Boyfriend, No Problem." She was pregnant. #truestory #youhaveahugeproblem

I often confuse Pedophilia with Philadelphia. I know they both involved Ben Franklin though.

It's official! We are going to war with every nation. #debates

No comedian will ever be as funny as watching a penguin run.

New plan to help people lose weight: no more bus stops. You gotta catch up with that shit.

Can my girlfriend trade her DUI for an IUD? I'm tired of always driving and using condoms.

The only thing more ghetto than a gold tooth is a blue tooth.

Taco bell tastes worse every time I buy it. Is this adulthood?