"Good spelling don't beat a bullet."- my redneck friend describing to me why the South would win the Civil War if we fought it today

Dear Gangstas, My ass feels fine today. I won't need any caps busted in it. Thanks for the offer anyway! Yours Truly, Hopper

Our friends can't afford to take both their kids on a trip. They are calling it their 'Sophie's Choice' vacation.

Are female Smurfs such bitches that there can only be one of them at a time?

If Christina Aguilera is still a genie, I hope they got her a bigger bottle.

My coworker brought in a bag of Starburst and said I could have one if I wanted. But only a yellow one. Apparently I'm unworthy of red.

Just witnessed an enormously fat woman pull a ballet costume out of the dryer. Guess I won't cancel that therapy appointment after all.

That awkward moment when a couple asks you if the bar stool next to you is taken and then scowl at you for drinking alone. Yeah, that one.

Anyone who brings a baby on a plane should have to buy drinks for me. I've got an iPod, so the crying won't bother me. I just like drinks.

You know the guy who says, "Look at that, you learn something new every day." Does his 'something new' ever become shutting the hell up?

Was Einstein the first hipster?

Taking Valium is like leaving the South. The colors are brighter, everything looks a little more clean, and I can't see any biscuits.

Twitter is the despair.com version of Facebook.

The true progress of a home improvement project is measured in 'beers per hour'.

Did we specify which machine we are raging against? If not, I got dibs on vending.

You now have to sign a waiver at U-Haul promising not to harm your wife when she tells you what a shit job you are doing packing the truck.

Where the fuck were ya'll when I was growing up? That would have been fun. I'm sure we'd all be dead, but a fair trade, eh?

Oh- it's "Rapture", not "Rupture". This would explain the wierd look I got from the Wal Mart checker when I purchased all these buckets.

There is no way to look good rushing through an airport. Panic is never attractive.

Just saw a woman in Kroger who had eyebrows courtesy of a fat, black Sharpie. Why Baby Jesus, why? Too damn early for that.