Pliers work on all kinds of nuts.

A master raconteur, he dipped his pen into silver moonbeams and fashioned a tome filled with fantastical, magical creatures—including me.

Bragging about how many followers you have is like telling everyone you were the fastest one at the Special Olympics.

Apparently, when in doubt whip your penis out is not a viable solution at work.

Jerry Lewis, Adam Carolla & Daniel Tosh walk into a bar & the female bartender asks what they're having & then poisons all of their drinks.

Accidentally told a girl I like that I knew all the words to Shoop guess I blew it...LIKE A SHOTGUN BANG WHAT'S UP WITH THAT THANG

My mouth gets me in and out of trouble.

Her body was like an hourglass with a few extra minutes.

Some people will always haunt you, like how a song stays in your head or how your past goes with you into every day of your future.

I was on television once. I stood behind a local news reporter waving my arms for 10 minutes. It is everything they say it is.

I was married to a tree surgeon who wrapped me in firs, but when he decided to branch out and bark up the wrong tree, I decided to leaf him.

Something in my clothes is giving me a rash.

I think its me.

I started from the bottom and I've managed to get worse somehow

Pretty sure everything has my divided attention.

Oh goodie! The republicans are trying to double the student loan interest rate. Such a warm and loving people they are.

My cunty colleague just suggested I shove a pineapple up my ass.

I could be reading this wrong but,

I think she wants the V.

Sex was so good tonight that my wife almost didn't have to take an anti-depressant after.

Sandwich spread sounds so sexual.

After my workout, I enjoyed an exquisite breakfast served by my undocumented Puerto Rican poolboy/manservant Miguel Valentino.
Then Paris.

No Mr. Zumba instructor, I can't just get rid of my erection.