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#LEO: A rare planetary alignment in the cosmos has no effect whatsoever on your daily life.
There will be no readings today. The Head Astrologer went out last night and is still seeing stars. You are on your own. All alone.
REBEKAH BROOKS: Great news! You aren't picked out in a police line up, as it luckily contains Mick Hucknall, Charlie Dimmock & Side Show Bob
#SAGITTARIUS: Your terrifying face is matched only by your poor sense of humour and uncaring nature towards others. Good luck with that.
ALL SIGNS: The sun. That fiery, hot, bastard of a star, blocked your readings this morning with its warmth. We apologise. Blame the heat.
#LEO: You get one cat and use its cat gravity to attract another. Then use this doubled cat gravity to get more. Soon you have all the cats!
#CANCER: Jupiter is aligned with Mercury today, but it has no impact on your life as they're just planets that are millions of miles away.
#LEO: You punch a loaf of bread today for calling you names. You later realise it said 'THICK CUT'.
Due to an astrological emergency (Pluto refuses to predict your future until it's reinstated as a planet), there will be no readings today.
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