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#LEO: A rare planetary alignment in the cosmos has no effect whatsoever on your daily life.
REBEKAH BROOKS: Great news! You aren't picked out in a police line up, as it luckily contains Mick Hucknall, Charlie Dimmock & Side Show Bob
#SAGITTARIUS: Your terrifying face is matched only by your poor sense of humour and uncaring nature towards others. Good luck with that.
#LEO: You get one cat and use its cat gravity to attract another. Then use this doubled cat gravity to get more. Soon you have all the cats!
#CANCER: Jupiter is aligned with Mercury today, but it has no impact on your life as they're just planets that are millions of miles away.
#LEO: You punch a loaf of bread today for calling you names. You later realise it said 'THICK CUT'.
Due to an astrological emergency (Pluto refuses to predict your future until it's reinstated as a planet), there will be no readings today.
RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: A car accident tomorrow leaves you paralysed from the waist down. The irony is lost on you. You remain a prick.
#AQUARIUS: The good news is, Jupiter's position will positively influence your love life. The bad news is, astrology is bollocks.
#ARIES: You haven't failed at interacting and socialising. You've actually succeeded in isolating yourself from annoying idiots.
#AQUARIUS: Someone says "pacifically" instead of "specifically" today. Long story short, you're sacked for violent conduct.
#LIBRA: As it's #WorldBookDay, you team up with #ARIES to help get people reading by creating #LIBRARIES.
CARLOS TEVEZ: The stars forecast that your employers give you the day off today. Enjoy it sunshine, you've earned it.
#ARIES: On at least 6 occasions today, you will realise you are perfectly capable of taking the life of another human being.
#ARIES: Every person you encounter today has a very punchable face.
Our expert astrologers will give you the guidance you need to live your life. No need to book an appointment, we know when you're coming.