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#LEO: A rare planetary alignment in the cosmos has no effect whatsoever on your daily life.
#PISCES: There's no 'i' in team. But there's an 'i' in Pisces, isn't there? You selfish bastard.
REBEKAH BROOKS: Great news! You aren't picked out in a police line up, as it luckily contains Mick Hucknall, Charlie Dimmock & Side Show Bob
#SAGITTARIUS: Your terrifying face is matched only by your poor sense of humour and uncaring nature towards others. Good luck with that.
#GEMINI: You try to be sensitive by showing people your true, inner-most feelings. This leads to you punching them in the face.
#ARIES: One problem leads to another. Firstly, someone says 'effect' when they mean 'affect.' So now you have a body to dispose of.
#LEO: You get one cat and use its cat gravity to attract another. Then use this doubled cat gravity to get more. Soon you have all the cats!
#CANCER: Jupiter is aligned with Mercury today, but it has no impact on your life as they're just planets that are millions of miles away.
#LEO: You punch a loaf of bread today for calling you names. You later realise it said 'THICK CUT'.
Due to an astrological emergency (Pluto refuses to predict your future until it's reinstated as a planet), there will be no readings today.
RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: A car accident tomorrow leaves you paralysed from the waist down. The irony is lost on you. You remain a prick.
#AQUARIUS: The good news is, Jupiter's position will positively influence your love life. The bad news is, astrology is bollocks.
#ARIES: You haven't failed at interacting and socialising. You've actually succeeded in isolating yourself from annoying idiots.
#AQUARIUS: Someone says "pacifically" instead of "specifically" today. Long story short, you're sacked for violent conduct.
#LIBRA: As it's #WorldBookDay, you team up with #ARIES to help get people reading by creating #LIBRARIES.
#GEMINI: The sad thing is that nobody even notices you've had a complete mental breakdown.
#CANCER: Lunch goes badly today when you order Death By Chocolate for dessert and the waitress smashes your skull in with a giant toblerone.
CARLOS TEVEZ: The stars forecast that your employers give you the day off today. Enjoy it sunshine, you've earned it.
#ARIES: On at least 6 occasions today, you will realise you are perfectly capable of taking the life of another human being.
Our expert astrologers will give you the guidance you need to live your life. No need to book an appointment, we know when you're coming.
