@Horsecook's (Bob Cobbler) most faved Tweets...
Lifted foot to flush this public toilet. Flip-flop came off and fell in. Standing here on one leg, wondering what to do. Might be a while.
These scissors came in a rigid plastic package, requiring scissors to open. I BOUGHT THE FUCKING SCISSORS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY.
True love is when someone's flaws make you want to punch them in the throat, but you just quietly overeat instead.
Mechanic said there was tranny fluid under my car.
Which is odd, because I had a deluxe undercarriage wash right after I hit her. Him. w/e
Which is odd, because I had a deluxe undercarriage wash right after I hit her. Him. w/e
Wife says she'll give me handjob on Twitter, but only one stroke per star for this tweet.
GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP.
GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP.
There's never a satisfactory explanation for glitter on your dick. My Sunday school class asks hard questions.
I paid my 9-y.o. $20 to sit on Santa's lap at the Mall of America and ask loudly for the deaths of all Scientologists for xmas.
If they ever invent something that allows one to see other peoples' thoughts, I'm pretty sure I'm even more screwed than all of you.
My mother rubbed her nipples in lime juice before breast-feeding me.
Yesterday, it was maple syrup, which is my preference.
Yesterday, it was maple syrup, which is my preference.
Oh, time to cover my nose with my paws so she'll think I'm cute, and forget about being mad.
But wait. I'm not a dog.
I'm fucked.
But wait. I'm not a dog.
I'm fucked.
My biggest regret is that on my second day of life I never asked anyone: "What? Do yo think I was born yesterday??"
Really? You want to do *business* via Facebook's messaging system?? Do you also have fajitas delivered to your bathroom stall?
Funny. Talking about putting stuff in your ass on Twitter gets you starred. Mention it to *one* grocery store clerk, and they throw you out.
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