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  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Lifted foot to flush this public toilet. Flip-flop came off and fell in. Standing here on one leg, wondering what to do. Might be a while.

    • 163
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5BombayHeychGeneralGreviousCraven_Lessvmarinellijcgreenbadbunny14__The_Take
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    These scissors came in a rigid plastic package, requiring scissors to open. I BOUGHT THE FUCKING SCISSORS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY.

    • 125
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5GeneralGreviousStillDrewCraven_Lessian_WrightsavillekatzsheerluckholmesFreakdad
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    True love is when someone's flaws make you want to punch them in the throat, but you just quietly overeat instead.

    • 117
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5feistyslothTerrillificiwasleachitsdonnaokThe_TakeAndyPanikjasonmustian
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Mechanic said there was tranny fluid under my car.

    Which is odd, because I had a deluxe undercarriage wash right after I hit her. Him. w/e

    • 91
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein518ManningFanTerrillificFreakdadbadbunny14__The_Takeaztrackingcarutherspoon
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Wife says she'll give me handjob on Twitter, but only one stroke per star for this tweet.

    GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP.

    • 86
    • FAVS
    badbunny14__The_Take4petesakes61JenSciFipenblethSouthern_Charm_tollehausjamesleostevens
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    There's never a satisfactory explanation for glitter on your dick. My Sunday school class asks hard questions.

    • 83
    • FAVS
    FreakdadThe_TakeJenSciFipenblethSouthern_Charm_apodixistollehausjamesleostevens
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    If they ever invent something that allows one to see other peoples' thoughts, I'm pretty sure I'm even more screwed than all of you.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    Weston711othesun23The_TakeAbrahamAntonykuti3xoxoeEditorbestgirlbettyEvoke
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    I paid my 9-y.o. $20 to sit on Santa's lap at the Mall of America and ask loudly for the deaths of all Scientologists for xmas.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    FreakdadThe_TakebestgirlbettysblaufussGabryyldavidfacianepenblethjoesmithreally_____________________________________
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    "I'm sure we'll make it home. There's no way God would let Cracker Barrel be our last meal."

    • 79
    • FAVS
    FreakdadThe_TakeJenSciFipenblethjoesmithreally_____________________________________Southern_Charm_SprinkleMcSparktollehaus
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    My mother rubbed her nipples in lime juice before breast-feeding me.

    Yesterday, it was maple syrup, which is my preference.

    • 78
    • FAVS
    TerminalSinglesFreakdadsavillekatzThe_TakeGabryylhessiHisTigerLily__nanceinmypance
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Here I sit,
    Cold, embittered.
    Came to shit,
    But only twittered.

    • 78
    • FAVS
    FreakdadThe_TakeAndyPanikbestgirlbettyJenSciFiSouthern_Charm_apodixisabrevi8
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Why, yes. Yes I did have a reason for Googling “male cowboy porn.”

    • 74
    • FAVS
    The_TakejasonmustianbestgirlbettypenblethSouthern_Charm_apodixistollehausElegant_Mess_
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    "We're goin' to the OLIVE GARDEN, son. Run a comb through that mullet!!"

    • 72
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5badbunny14__The_TakepenblethSouthern_Charm_tollehausjamesleostevensrongillmore
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Oh, lookie. Stars. Showing up late to the party, like hot chicks after I've puked on myself.

    • 71
    • FAVS
    llvvzzThe_TakebestgirlbettyJenSciFimyappletinipenblethSouthern_Charm_tollehaus
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    My biggest regret is that on my second day of life I never asked anyone: "What? Do yo think I was born yesterday??"

    • 68
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5FreakdadJuleswhateverspenblethiamBryanHSouthern_Charm_tollehausjamesleostevens
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Oh, time to cover my nose with my paws so she'll think I'm cute, and forget about being mad.

    But wait. I'm not a dog.

    I'm fucked.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    The_TakeJuleswhateversJenSciFipenblethSouthern_Charm_tollehausgoldengateblondLindsayLooo
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Really? You want to do *business* via Facebook's messaging system?? Do you also have fajitas delivered to your bathroom stall?

    • 68
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5FreakdadJuleswhateverspenblethSouthern_Charm_apodixistollehausgoldengateblond
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Wife: snoring.

    Dog: licking his scrote loudly.

    Me: clutching this icepick. Sobbing.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    FreakdadJuleswhateversjoesmithreally_____________________________________Southern_Charm_SprinkleMcSparktollehausjamesleostevensElegant_Mess_
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Got my new juicer!

    I just drank a healthy breakfast of four oranges and a box of Toaster Strudels.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    DavidKlein5Weston711northpacificFreakdadian_Wrightforestfaedrake_pitsdonnaok
  • Horsecook
      Bob Cobbler @Horsecook

    Funny. Talking about putting stuff in your ass on Twitter gets you starred. Mention it to *one* grocery store clerk, and they throw you out.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    FreakdadbestgirlbettyJuleswhateversmyappletinipenblethSouthern_Charm_tollehausjamesleostevens
@Horsecook

@Horsecook

I've got a huuuuuuuge frying pan.