Lifted foot to flush this public toilet. Flip-flop came off and fell in. Standing here on one leg, wondering what to do. Might be a while.

These scissors came in a rigid plastic package, requiring scissors to open. I BOUGHT THE FUCKING SCISSORS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY.

True love is when someone's flaws make you want to punch them in the throat, but you just quietly overeat instead.

Mechanic said there was tranny fluid under my car.

Which is odd, because I had a deluxe undercarriage wash right after I hit her. Him. w/e

Wife says she'll give me handjob on Twitter, but only one stroke per star for this tweet.

GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP.

There's never a satisfactory explanation for glitter on your dick. My Sunday school class asks hard questions.

If they ever invent something that allows one to see other peoples' thoughts, I'm pretty sure I'm even more screwed than all of you.

I paid my 9-y.o. $20 to sit on Santa's lap at the Mall of America and ask loudly for the deaths of all Scientologists for xmas.

"I'm sure we'll make it home. There's no way God would let Cracker Barrel be our last meal."

My mother rubbed her nipples in lime juice before breast-feeding me.

Yesterday, it was maple syrup, which is my preference.

Here I sit,
Cold, embittered.
Came to shit,
But only twittered.

Why, yes. Yes I did have a reason for Googling “male cowboy porn.”

"We're goin' to the OLIVE GARDEN, son. Run a comb through that mullet!!"

Oh, lookie. Stars. Showing up late to the party, like hot chicks after I've puked on myself.

My biggest regret is that on my second day of life I never asked anyone: "What? Do yo think I was born yesterday??"

Oh, time to cover my nose with my paws so she'll think I'm cute, and forget about being mad.

But wait. I'm not a dog.

I'm fucked.

Really? You want to do *business* via Facebook's messaging system?? Do you also have fajitas delivered to your bathroom stall?

Wife: snoring.

Dog: licking his scrote loudly.

Me: clutching this icepick. Sobbing.

Got my new juicer!

I just drank a healthy breakfast of four oranges and a box of Toaster Strudels.

Funny. Talking about putting stuff in your ass on Twitter gets you starred. Mention it to *one* grocery store clerk, and they throw you out.