I think I get Twitter. Star means, 'Totally get you, but I don't want to admit it publicly.' Retweet means, 'I wish I'd said that.' Right?

I wonder if I'm anyone's Twitter crush...

Twitter should add a new button that means 'someone already tweeted that idiot.' That or a stealing trends section.

Seriously, every time I click on a 'worldwide trends' feed, I lose hope in humanity.

Know how everyone thinks what you say while drunk is the real truth? I call Urban Legend because "no, random cab driver, I don't love you."

In Economics, it's good to have competitors nearby...good lesson for girls. We don't have to compete. We can drive up demand for each other.

I'm not really into English accents, but I totally love that if a child isn't witty by age 5, a Brit will drown it like a kitten.

Meow if you want chocolate, sex, alcohol, drugs or comfort right now.

So this is modern life. An unending dance of unplugging one device in order to plug in another, in order to obtain human contact.

It's cruel how big my boobs get on the only three days of the month that I could not be less interested in sex.

It's not that I wouldn't like to hang out with you...but I have a date to cuddle with my cat. She only tries to lick my hand...

I just ran out of my magic face cream. I hope they don't have to kill another virgin to make me more. Though that would explain the price.

Sigh, too many unfunny, bitter people trying to win Twitter. Don't you know laughter in camaraderie is 150% orgasmic?

Fuck you.
No, seriously. I want to fuck you.
I'm horny. Take me while you can.

I admit it, I'm attracted to #brains, if that makes me a #zombie, so be it.

Some happy now please...oh right, I'm at a strip club, there is no real happy. Just fake happy for sale. My price is going up...

If music doesn't make you dance, cry or fuck, you're doing it wrong.

Anytime I get all nostalgic for traditional marriage or whatever, I just listen to you fucks. A cabin in the woods with my cat it is.

Someday I'll be so good at Twitter that my @'s get RT'd and starred! For now, a kiss to all of you who are awesome & an Fbomb for the rest!

Damn I ate too many chips and salsa and now I am too full for tequila.