Fiona Apple & The Roots doing McCartney's "Let Me Roll It" on @latenightjimmy is so good so good so good! http://t.co/jOWidQis. @questlove

One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, New Fish. #SadChildrensBooks

If only Twitter's "Whoops! You already said that!" could pop up on my forehead every time someone tries to tell me a story for the 5th time.

WOMEN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN FREED FROM ROMNEY'S BINDERS

@stfuparents Someone posted this on Facebook and I rolled my eyes so hard my sockets broke. pic.twitter.com/v98GHyFI2c

Somebody carry Lena Dunham to the stage so we don't have to see her struggle to walk in her heels. #goldenglobes

Chris Brown won, so nobody has to get hurt tonight. #grammys

I like cheese. PLEASE RT.

Only 364 more shopping days 'til Christmas!

I think people often confuse the term "bully" with "asshole".

Why do all the winners hold their #GoldenGlobes like they're Shake Weights?

WHERE WERE THE FARMERS WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT AT THE SUPERDOME

"Free casket with every bacon sundae!" -Burger King, probably

The #Bachelor's Courtney makes the same dumb face Dana Carvey's Church Lady used to make. #IsntThatSpecial http://t.co/hIlXnMae

As a seemingly-abled man got into the giant Hummer he parked in a handicapped spot, I asked him if tiny penises qualify as a disability.

I hope Ryan Seacrest gets something...anything dumped on him again tonight. PAGING SACHA BARON COHEN PLEASE REPORT TO THE RED CARPET

I wish this debate was picture-in-picture so we could see Joe Biden laughing at everything Mitt Romney says.

Pork: The other white meat that is also a verb.

No electricity; practically living like they did on the prarie. I'm 2 braids & a bad overbite away from being Laura Ingalls.

My new indie band name is OH MY GOD SHUT UP ANNE HATHAWAY.