Nice manicure dude, I bet your vagina is pretty too.

It's so funny that we get mad when people don't say thanks for a ToTd, it's like fuck you I gave you a fake trophy! Unappreciative dick.

Time does not heal our emotional wounds, it just makes them irrelevant.

Contrary to popular belief, money can buy you a shitload of happiness.

If your life isn't occasionally a huge fucking mess, you're not really living it.

You lose followers when you say nice things, You lose followers when you say mean things.

My point is: Say whatever the fuck you want.

Most of my tweets end with me mouthing the words…Fuck it..Send.

Bad things are just super fun things before you get caught.

I swear, I've been smoking this cigarette for like 20 minutes

The people who don't care about stealing other people's ideas are the same people who have never created anything original in their lives.

First working day of 2013. Same shit, different number.

If you ever get sad, think about a T-Rex trying to jerk off. You're welcome.

THe older I get, the more you can just kiss my ass.

If you can’t do it naked, it’s not worth doing.

There are all sorts of ways of coping, but you can never go wrong with using sex and awesomeness.

There is no Twitter, only Zuul.

Always date someone you can drink under the table. It's much easier to use the "while you're down there, baby" line on people like that.

It's so much easier to love people when they're not talking.

You know you're getting old when you dislocate your elbow flicking a cigarette.

Hold up. This might be my crazy talking, but I don’t think the clerk at DMV really meant ‘Have a nice day’ when she said it, you guys.