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Values give us structure in an otherwise chaotic universe. With these values, we can express our full potential. This is ultimate freedom.
Took my bra off and swung it around like a lasso because what's the point of being single if you don't act like a fool every chance you get?
I think my Christmas spirit just kicked in because I'm feeling a festive urge to shove this woman's jingle bell bracelet down her throat.
I once told a girl I could stop her hiccups by pinching her nipple, it worked even though I had no idea what I was talking about.
I don't usually complement someone's chest hair, but that lady seemed like she could use a compliment.
One day I'm gonna tweet "Thanks for the trophy" an it's gonna be the biggest mother f#&king trophy you've ever seen!
Political Correctness sounds like an oxymoron to me
At this point, it's the alcohol tweeting, not me. Unless its a great tweet, then it's ALL me.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches.
I'm going out today!! Outsidey Side Side , Fresh air, Sunshine.. *Opens door Ahhh *Closes door.. *Shudders that's crazy shit.
Life is too short to spend it just trying to be cool. Eat more cake, cross more rivers, kiss more, and, did I mention cake?
Nice manicure dude, I bet your vagina is pretty too.
It's so funny that we get mad when people don't say thanks for a ToTd, it's like fuck you I gave you a fake trophy! Unappreciative dick.
Time does not heal our emotional wounds, it just makes them irrelevant.
Contrary to popular belief, money can buy you a shitload of happiness.
If your life isn't occasionally a huge fucking mess, you're not really living it.
You lose followers when you say nice things, You lose followers when you say mean things.
My point is: Say whatever the fuck you want.
Most of my tweets end with me mouthing the words…Fuck it..Send.
Bad things are just super fun things before you get caught.
I swear, I've been smoking this cigarette for like 20 minutes
I haven't written any books, or done anything remotely worth noting. I'm not famous and never will be. I'm fucking proud of that.