Kids are just Fuck trophies

Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

If mobile had a hip swinging contest for women walking down town, I'd win the "miss attracts all the dangerous minorities"award

A lady never spits

I bet you Bin Laden is wishing he actually read the terms of use agreement on that itunes update before agreeing.

There are two small children screaming in this house, and I'm pretty sure my tubes just tied themselves

Boycotting panties

I really hate the fact this copy machine has had me on my knees all morning. Well played.

Laying on the couch, drinking a beer, scratching my lady balls

There are just a couple of people I'd love to hug with a phone cord

There is nothing more trashy than a 300lb bitch in a dress 2 sizes too small smoking a cigarette

Tim tebow is the most talked about white bronco since OJ's car chase

That feeling where you realize you never really loved someone

No shirt no skirt no heels, all I'm in is just skin

Got hit on by the UPS man, gives whole new meaning to delivering a package

Whenever I see a strange man walking across a busy street, I can't help but think he just committed a murder

Where the hell are those nutjobs from westboro Baptist church when you need them?

I make medium rare steaks and I'm god Damn American

The abundance of weirdos that stare at me on a daily basis these days has really done something for my self esteem

I could never wish death on someone, but I do wish pregnancy on anorexic chicks