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@HumanBeam
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Friends: 337
Followers: 565
Favs Given: 1,045
Favs Rec'd: 694
@HumanBeam's (Carmen Bauzá) most faved Tweets...
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If God had intended for us to be skinny then why did He make animals out of bacon?
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HumanBeam
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If this meeting lasts any longer we may have to eat each other.
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HumanBeam
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Pro tip: before marriage, flirt only with your spouse-to-be. You have the rest of your life to flirt with everybody else.
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HumanBeam
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I'm so sexy, I was born naked.
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HumanBeam
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Pro tip: Client wants to be taken to whorehouse when on business trip? Take him. Take pictures. Threaten to send to wife. Presto, approvals!
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HumanBeam
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Welcome imaginary people! In appreciation of your imaginary friendship you will soon receive an imaginary check in the mail.
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HumanBeam
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Hubby announced he wouldn't make me coffee today cos he's sleeping in late. Which is fine. I wasn't planning on having sex with him either.
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HumanBeam
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What's with this New Moon everyone's talking about? Did we really blow up the old one?
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HumanBeam
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Lost a bunch of followers today because of #Haiti tweets. Sorry. I know current events aren't as fascinating as bacon, poop and your mom.
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HumanBeam
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Dear friend. You put me on two lists: latenightbootycall and throwoffabridge. Just want you to know I'm a pro kickboxer, am packing mace.
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HumanBeam
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Pro tip: This weather makes it really hard to tell the difference between a cold toilet seat and a wet one. Ladies. Proceed with caution.
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HumanBeam
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From where I stand, Wednesday looks like *dry* hump day.
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HumanBeam
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Differences between Halloween+Día de Muertos: you celebrate the living dead. We celebrate the dead. You get candy. We get shitfaced.
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HumanBeam
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Wonder if they have a lotta meetings in India. The idea of 5 other people also sweating off a curry dinner in a small room seems disturbing.
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HumanBeam
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My ex married the woman he had an affair with and left me for. I am now happily married to a wonderful man. My ex is divorced. I love karma.
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HumanBeam
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I love it when my boobs get us rounds of free drinks. My husband doesn't seem to mind either.
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HumanBeam
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Have just been outstared by the great void. Ok caffeine, you win this time.
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HumanBeam
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So. Hoping Friday comes prematurely.
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HumanBeam
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Welcome followers! Seeing as you've abandoned all pretense of sanity, next dancing purple sweatpants, please send onions. Or your mom.
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HumanBeam
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#ignitenyc: "Orchestras are just Beethoven cover bands."
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HumanBeam
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