@HumanBeam's (Carmen Bauzá) most faved Tweets...
Pro tip: before marriage, flirt only with your spouse-to-be. You have the rest of your life to flirt with everybody else.
Pro tip: Client wants to be taken to whorehouse when on business trip? Take him. Take pictures. Threaten to send to wife. Presto, approvals!
Welcome imaginary people! In appreciation of your imaginary friendship you will soon receive an imaginary check in the mail.
Hubby announced he wouldn't make me coffee today cos he's sleeping in late. Which is fine. I wasn't planning on having sex with him either.
Lost a bunch of followers today because of #Haiti tweets. Sorry. I know current events aren't as fascinating as bacon, poop and your mom.
Dear friend. You put me on two lists: latenightbootycall and throwoffabridge. Just want you to know I'm a pro kickboxer, am packing mace.
Pro tip: This weather makes it really hard to tell the difference between a cold toilet seat and a wet one. Ladies. Proceed with caution.
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Differences between Halloween+Día de Muertos: you celebrate the living dead. We celebrate the dead. You get candy. We get shitfaced.
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Wonder if they have a lotta meetings in India. The idea of 5 other people also sweating off a curry dinner in a small room seems disturbing.
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My ex married the woman he had an affair with and left me for. I am now happily married to a wonderful man. My ex is divorced. I love karma.
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Welcome followers! Seeing as you've abandoned all pretense of sanity, next dancing purple sweatpants, please send onions. Or your mom.
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