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If God had intended for us to be skinny then why did He make animals out of bacon?
Pro tip: The minute you say something is better than sex is the minute we realize you're really bad at sex.
If this meeting lasts any longer we may have to eat each other.
I'm so sexy, I was born naked.
Si realmente nos quisieran sobrios y lúcidos para las elecciones, prohibirían la TV, no el alcohol. #LeySeca
Pro tip: Client wants to be taken to whorehouse when on business trip? Take him. Take pictures. Threaten to send to wife. Presto, approvals!
Welcome imaginary people! In appreciation of your imaginary friendship you will soon receive an imaginary check in the mail.
There's a difference between networking and notworking.
Lost a bunch of followers today because of #Haiti tweets. Sorry. I know current events aren't as fascinating as bacon, poop and your mom.
What's with this New Moon everyone's talking about? Did we really blow up the old one?
Hubby announced he wouldn't make me coffee today cos he's sleeping in late. Which is fine. I wasn't planning on having sex with him either.
Pro tip: This weather makes it really hard to tell the difference between a cold toilet seat and a wet one. Ladies. Proceed with caution.
"No estoy llorando, es que se me metió una medalla de oro en el ojo." #TriOlímpico
Happy Cinco de Mayo to all you sweet gringos who believe it's actually an important holiday.
Dear friend. You put me on two lists: latenightbootycall and throwoffabridge. Just want you to know I'm a pro kickboxer, am packing mace.
My ex married the woman he had an affair with and left me for. I am now happily married to a wonderful man. My ex is divorced. I love karma.
Differences between Halloween+Día de Muertos: you celebrate the living dead. We celebrate the dead. You get candy. We get shitfaced.
Unfinished masterpiece. In love with the Internets, turned on by tech. CD at Chiat\Day MX. Curiosity is an incurable disease.